The Hypothetical Ball and Chain Saga

Slumbook - From Mia, the MrsPartyGirl

2007-03-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

Got this from an online friend and their weblog. Thanks, Mia. This was fun.

THE BASICS:

1. What is your (screen) name, and why did you choose that as your screen name?
- Don't really have one, but I've been using dieamazon for a lot of my blogs. It came from a co-worker of Dr. Jung who elaborated on the two instintive attitudes of women and added a couple more. One of them was amazon - it's a long explanation but I decided that dieamazon fit me best.

2. How long have you been married? Have kids?
- Going on our 7th year this Sunday and have 2 kids to show for it. Moira who just turned 6 and Ian who is 3.

3. What is your favorite color? And how has your color preference influenced your life (if it has)?
- Red. While I don't really buy a lot of red clothes, I do have a dress and shirt and jacket mixed in there for those times when I feel the need for color. I've always associated red with passion and life so in that sense, I try to live by that color.

4. What are your hobbies?
- Hobbies? What's that again? Haha. Mostly reading and writing - although that's been reduced greatly these past few months with work and responsibilities. I also knit which is a great stress reducer for me and helps me stop my mind from thinking when I need to relax. Retail therapy, of course is a huge influence too.

5. What is your motto in life?
- Wow, I don't really have one...I do have a question I do ask myself when conflicted about something, Eligere Magistrum - choose whom you will serve. Nuff said.

6. Do you have pets?
- Do kids and a husband count? Hehe. Nope, we'd like one but the logistics of it all makes it too difficult.

7. What are the three adjectives that best describe your spouse?
- Witty funny, Rockstar, devoted

8. Give three songs that best describe you.
- Hey, this is hard .... hmmmm....a) You've got a friend (James Taylor) - I'm a very loyal friend sometimes too loyal, some say;
b) Any man of mine (Shania Twain) - my sister told me this song fit me...I read the lyrics (I'm not into country) and damn...she was right. Haha
c) Tower (Vienna Teng) - this just hits me where it hurts

9. What satisfies you about the work that you do?
- That I control my time, and I know that what effort I put in, an equal reward would come out and it would all depend on me.

10. Do you blog? Where? Can we visit?
Right here, and visit anytime....

CHIKAHAN:

1. Define Love.
- Love doesn't hold you back, it allows you to grow into yourself and be happy; love doesn't put rules, you just end up doing the right thing because you love someone; love doesn't strangle, doesn't possess, doesn't own - it just is.

2. Kakaibang talento mo.
- find really sarcastic and witty people in a crowd and drift naturally towards them
- decide to lose weight and start regulating my meals and eating without effort
- stop smoking when i want to

3. Share your adobo recipe.
- Put pork with 1/3 cup vinegar, 1 tablespoon garlic, bayleaf, 3 tablespoons soysauce, peppercorn; boil then simmer uncovered until tender; add 1/2 cup water and simmer until completely tender; saute 1 tablespoon garlic in oil until brown, add pork and fry intil brown; add the sauce from the initial simmer.

4. Describe your current screensaver/wallpaper.
- None, regular windows wallpaper - I just re-formatted my machine.

5. During your teenage years, what fad/s did you follow? Why?
Oh gosh....the teased hair, the black leggings, the double belts, the mismatched socks - can anyone say fashion victim? haha. I did the whole Bagets look (no, my mom did - hey! I can use that excuse - she made me wear it.)

6. How many times have you had a broken heart? Which was the worst and how did you recover from it?
- Once, that would've been the worst and I recovered by letting myself be surrounded by friends, doing a lot of community work, kept myself busy by focusing on my work and not getting into a serious relationship until I felt ready. I went back to my dating habits of never getting serious but just having fun.

7. If you could have a superpower, what would it be and why?
- Freeze time! So that I can do what I need to get done before the hours of the day run out - OR better yet, freeze time so that I can finally read the tons of books I have sitting here.

8. What frightens you about getting old?
- Regrets.

9. Do you have a guilty pleasure?
- Shopping for clothes, shoes, bags...I can easily drop hundreds (my husband says thousands) in one shopping trip. On the cheaper side, I watch America's Next Top Model and Top Chef - it's awful!!! But I love it.

10. What's your favorite chore?
- Washing dishes. My sink looks out into the street and I can see my kids and the neighborhood kids playing; I have my rubber gloves, hot water and getting it all rinsed and into my washing machine. The look of a clean kitchen is also pretty satisfying.

11. Describe your wedding ring.
- It's actually 2 rings, one engagement ring and wedding ring, that have diamonds and hooks together to look like this diamond flower. It's feminine, dainty and my husband chose it - it's perfect.

12. If you could have a tattoo, what would it look like?
- An ankh on my lower back.

13. What book would you like to be made into a movie? Who would you like to star in it?
- David Edding's The Belgariad and The Mallorean series. Ryan Phillipe.

14. Share something that you do not believe in.
- Anything that sounds too good/too easy/too simple to be true. Pyramid schemes, multi-level marketing, investments that promise lifetime benefits for peanuts, a free gift IF YOU SIGN UP...
I also don't believe that realizing Jesus' humanity will ultimately destroy the Christian faith.

15. What qualities are important to you in friendship?
- Loyalty, dependability, trust

16. So far, what WS topic have you found most helpful? Most entertaining? Most controversial?
- A lot and I can't really remember one at the moment.

QUALIFIED TRUE OR FALSE:
1. First love never dies.
True - it will remain a special part in your heart that time just makes more sweet and ideal as you grow older and forget the reasons why it didn't work out.

2. You can change your partner once you're married.
False - no way. And if you believe that, you're in for a surprise.

3. The Philippines is worth it.
True - I know too many good people with amazing talent, intelligence and heart to not believe that.

4. Women are moodier than men.
False - Everyone is human - some are just more expressive than others, regardless of gender.

5. James Yap is innocent (Sorry Kris!).
Huh?

6. 80s fashion is coming back.
True - but I'll control myself this time.

7. Angels.
True

8. Good and bad luck come in threes.
False - what's with the threes?

9. Destiny.
True - there is a path and even with free will, as long as we're true to ourselves, we'll be where we're supposed to be.

10. It is better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all.
True - I wouldn't be the person that I am without my past - hurts and all; happiness and all. I wouldn't know what true joy is, or the kind of person that I need.

TIPS:

1. What is you favorite skin care product?
- Neutrogena moisturizer, sunscreen, acne cream, and Aveeno body lotions.

2. What do you do to keep fit?
- Eat balanced meals, pilates and yoga.

3. Where do you do your bargain shopping?
- Target, Ross, Marshalls
- Philippines: Greenhills

4. Recommend an effective household cleaning item.
- Mr. Clean Magic Eraser!!! Omg, it cleaned up Sharpie drawings from our stone floor!!! I just love these.
- Swiffer is still the best!

5. Sex.
- Be comfortable in your sexuality and just let go.

Not another airport...

2007-02-14T12:29:00.000-08:00

Just came back from (another) trip to Manila for business. I cannot believe how often I've been back after saying that I was going to be travelling quarterly. But in between clients dropping by to see the facility, having to prepare the facility for an important client visit, preparing to move, moving and setting up the new facility, there was just no way but to travel back and forth.

When I was younger I thought travelling would be the best thing ever - having a job that would require me to travel and see the world or visit various people, that would be perfect. Although I don't travel the world, I visit only one place all the time, travelling has become very tedious. The airports drain me, airport security and luggage fears exhaust me, and staying in one place for enough time to get me back into the time zone only to fly back...the travelling isn't so much fun anymore.

Oh don't get me wrong, I still love going to places, I think I am just done with the flights. If someone could already invent that machine that would allow us to transport ourselves through time and space THAT would be great! Imagine, pay for a ticket, go to this transport and FLASH, you're in another place with all your bags with you, safe and sound.

Once I landed, it's not fun either that 3 days after that (still jetlagged and all) Brian has to fly out for 3 days for budget meetings. So I have both kids, jetlag, all the unopened mail and catching up to do...tiring. No surprise that I am at my most unmotivated right now. I am both happy and weary at the thought that I will have a couple of months at least of being able to stay put. Happy because I get to focus on one side of the world, without having to worry about rushing to get things done prior to flying; weary because I still will be working on both sides, only I don't get to fly out.

I can hardly tell if my writing is making sense, yet another reason jetlag sucks. Be back when my brain is with me. Toodles.

Knitting craze

2007-01-16T10:39:00.000-08:00

I've been so busy lately with the business, Moira's kindergarten, Ian's preschool, the house and Brian that I've found myself thinking and unable to stop. It's not hard, with Moira's and Ian's school schedule and activities, bill paying for the house, expenses with the business, and all other responsibilities with the family; not to mention we just finally sold our old townhouse. The debate on keeping it and renting it over selling it and focusing on just one house finally is over.

It doesn't stop the fact that there are a LOT of things to think about and I couldn't stop doing it.

I finally found a way to overcome it by picking up knitting again. I had learned it when I was in high school and found a store nearby where I found these great looking yarn. So I decided to try knitting again. My first project was a scarf for my mom, this was back in July 2006! - a simple one using a ribbon yarn and stockinette stitch (knit on one side and purl on another). It came out nice and simple, the yarn did a lot more to it than my knitting did, but it helped me re-learn my skills again.

The next project I did was a baby afghan for my cousin's newly-born daughter. It looked absolutely beautiful on the picture. The pattern was on the yarn label so I decided to try it, 6 months later it was done - and I was happy to see it looked exactly as it did on the pattern picture. It took awhile and my cousin's baby wasn't quite the newborn that she was when I first started but I was happy to have done something for her with my own hands.

My next project was a sweater for my husband. Yes, yes, I know - ambitious especially considering I haven't knitted in over a decade. But I found a great pattern online for it and great knitting learning resources that I could tap that even had free online videos to explain how to do a particular stitch. The sweater took awhile, but when it was done, seeing Brian where was well worth the effort. The fact that people in his office complimented him on the new sweater was an added bonus! I found a matching sweater for Ian which was great so I got the same yarn and color and this time, it went much faster. He looked sooooo cute in it!

Going out of the house with Ian and Brian in matching sweaters didn't go well with Moira as she had a poncho that she couldn't wear. So, we decided that she would choose a new yarn and I'd make her one and this time it would fit her. So we found one and with her constant, "are you knitting my poncho, mommy?", or the early morning, "get knitting, mommy.", I was finally done and she LOVED it. She wore it around the neighborhood with her friends and now I have 3 little girls making hints about how they loved the poncho and how they would love one of their own...

But I decided it was time for me - and here is my project. I did it in 1 week which is awesome and now...I have this great cardigan that is warm and perfect...my thinking has been completely controlled. Everytime I get stressed out and find myself thinking and worrying needlessly, I pick up my knitting needles and I get to start to relax.

Now, if only I can keep people from asking me to make something for them...my current project, another scarf for my mom AND the same cardigan that I made for myself....I think I jumped from the frying pan into the fire with this one...

Routines...

2006-07-30T21:57:00.000-07:00

I've been told by a few folks (including you, Cynch ;) ) that I haven't been very regular with my posts. And I really want to try to work on that. I finally got a chance this weekend. Bri is off to another conference in Boston and I've finally gotten some time alone. It's been hard lately with the house for sale and house buying we're doing.

Oh yeah, that posting dated earlier in the year? That was supposed to be July sometime...hahaha, that's what happens pala when you edit an entry written earlier, I couldn't change the date.

I've noticed that lately, I've been waiting for the opportunity for life to get into some routine. When things get too complicated, and I find that multi-tasking is not something I do part of the day but all of the time and all day, I know that the part of me that seeks for some sort of stability and continuity will be seeking for the strict schedule that tells me what to do and what to expect.

A routine, usually found boring, mundane and even tedious by some, is sorely missed by those who find that the day can never be planned and that each day something needs to be taken care of. I just read online that multi-tasking make you more forgetful. That must be true, because unlike before where I can tell a client's previous transaction even if it was 6 months ago, the price and what was bought or sold, I can barely remember who I talked to on the phone 30 minutes earlier.

Everytime I figure that I'd get the list of things to do done, I would have appointments, calls and sudden client talks that NEED to be done right away. Working from home certainly hasn't changed much in that area. Even my writing right now is erratic or at least I feel it is since my ideas are all jumbled in my head. I wish I could write the words, feelings and everything else down and finally have it out of my head and hopefully get rid of it...reduce the amount of words in my head. It is this constant, "I need to...", "I can't forget to...", "I have to remember...", "I can't forget to...", "What will I do about...", "I need to talk to...". I want to stop thinking.

I want to be able to check off my list of things to do and not add on to it, I need to be able to write schedules down and be able to do them, I want to be able to plan my day. I'm so busy, I'm tired. Wow..this didn't turn out to be what I planned to write at all. Oh well, that's what happens....I wish we were back in a routine again.

What does your birthdate mean?

2006-07-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

Your Birthdate: June 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame.
You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them.
Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing.
You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship.

Your strength: Your charm

Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics

Your power color: Indigo

Your power symbol: Four leaf clover

Your power month: December

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Changes

2006-03-02T09:26:00.000-08:00

I'm not even going to say that I'm going to start blogging again, not going to say I'm back because that seems to trigger another busy season that makes blogging an impossible task - let's just start this all by saying, HELLO!

Andy Warhol said it best,

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

For a long time, there were decisions that had to be made to move forward in my life. In terms of business, work, homelife. But I kept pausing, kept analyzing - I was never one to jump into anything without first checking if the ground before me is solid and stable. Analysis paralysis.

It took over a year to decide to go into business even when the opportunity was just too good to be believed. Over 6 months to decide to quit work, even when the business was thriving and struggling to grow more (never mind the fact that the business would do more for us financially than my job would). Over 1 1/2 years to decide to buy a house, to upgrade our "starter" house, always thinking we weren't ready, didn't need it, couldn't afford it, blah, blah, blah....

I have quit my job - I love financial planning and would love to keep on doing it. But I think when you see an opportunity that will make your children's life, your home life and family life better, you have to move and grab it. Regret is too big a risk. I am grateful though that I have a boss who was very understanding and knew a good idea when he saw it. He opened the idea of coming in to continue working when he needs help, and accepting my suggestion of keeping my licenses active with him. It works out really well. So this change, wasn't that big a change as I thought it would be....although my last day at the office was certainly an emotional one for me.

We have bought our new house - or at least, we're in the middle of escrow with it. It was a sudden decision, something that seldom happens with me. But we walked in the Open House, walked around and just knew it was our home. I told Brian that we had to make an offer - he was working 12 hour days and wasn't his spontaneous self but trusted my judgement. And here we are, a week later and we're clearing out our home to prepare for selling. Again, it wasn't as big a change we felt it was, the new house is a few streets away - we'll still be in the same neighborhood and enjoy a bigger, better home.

Sometimes the fear that comes with change isn't a the fear about the consequences of the change, just the unknown. I'm glad we made the move and jumped - nothing really changes in life for us otherwise.

TAGGED BY CYNCH!

2006-02-09T14:56:00.000-08:00

There you go, Cynch - I'm glad to find more reasons to write in my blog...thanks!

4 jobs i've had in my life
1. Sales Coordinator for a small multinational company
2. Visa officer in the Canadian embassy
3. Consular office in the Australian embassy
4. Currently, financial advisor for Ameriprise Financial (formerly American Express Financial Advisors) and a business-owner

4 movies i could watch over and over
1. Lord of the Rings (Trilogy - yes all 9+ hours of it)
2. My Fair Lady (Audrey Hepburn is amazing)
3. You've Got Mail
4. First Wives Club

4 Places I've Lived
1. Cebu City
2. Cubao, QC
3. Blue Ridge, QC
4. and now with husband and kids, in San Diego, CA

4 tv shows i love to watch
1. West Wing
2. Law and Order, SVU
3. CSI
4. Histories Mysteries

4 Places I've Been on Vacation
1. Milan, Italy
2. Switzerland & France
3. London
4. Utah

4 websites i visit daily
1. Yahoo!
2. Hotmail
3. Inq7.net
4. abs-cbnnews.com

4 of my favorite foods
1. Kare-kare
2. Chicharon Bulaklak
3. Strawberries covered with Dark Chocolate
4. Sashimi (wow, that doesn't sound good put all together)

4 places i'd rather be right now
1. Geneva, Switzerland
2. any beach in the Philippines (far away from work)
3. a 5 star hotel room all by myself with books, music and TV
4. since this is all unlikely, Barnes and Noble

4 bloggers i'm tagging
1. Glo
2. Marj
3. Leslie
4. Velvet

A revelation

2006-02-09T14:33:00.000-08:00

I was home from work because of a migraine - I wasn't happy about that because I had a TON of things to catch up on. But with my eyes barely able to withstand normal sunlight coming into our bedroom, I realized that I would be completely useless at the office.

After medication, 2 hours and a nap later - I was on my laptop working on the business. Catching up on stuff that I had left behind because it was pushed to the bottom of my things to do list. Halfway there, I decided I needed a break and went outside with a pack of cigarettes, my last few as I was given a deadline to which to stop completely, I sat in the patio, breathed in the toxic fumes, opened my notebook of TTD (things to do) and started writing. At a break, I looked up and stopped.

The sky was absolutely cloudless - I had to stop and think, was this the view from here I've always had? The trees behind our house were trimmed and I think it may have opened our view - but I've never seen it so beautiful. It was quiet - it always is, our neighborhood is a great one. But today I realized, it was peaceful - almost serene. I looked around and tried to think, what was it that I'm missing. Then it hit me - I'm alone. No "necessary" appointments, no need-to-do-it-now task, no i-want-it-now-mommy calls...I was alone and it was a peaceful, beautiful day.

Sometimes it hits you in its simplicity how much beauty there is in the world. Even in our dirty backyard full of unraked leaves, dusty patio set and our kids toys scattered about - it's just beautiful. I found myself humming an old Christian song without realizing it.

There was a time in my life when I wanted this - exactly where I was - not in dire need, not feeling desperate, no sadness, no lurking problems at the back of my head that I'm trying to forget or ignore...just being. And here it was. And what do I do - fill my time and spend all my energy creating exactly that sense of havoc and chaos. Why? Maybe because that's what I'm used to - looking around though, I find that I am content. I am fine. This is what I've worked for. To be exactly where I am. I flicked the forgetten cigarette into a make-shift ashtray and leaned back. Holy crap, I'm happy. So, this is what this feels like.

I am back (again)....

2006-01-13T22:30:00.000-08:00

I just looked at the date on my last blog and realized that the last time I had written here was in October. Where has the time gone? I can make promises to be more consistent but I am hardly ever the one in charge of my time anymore. I feel that I am pulled into several directions at once - my kids, my husband, my family in Manila, work and the business, in all this I can't even find time for myself...much less put my thoughts down on a blog. Sigh...

But I'm not complaining, not really anyway, but every once in awhile I do get a chance to sneak a couple of hours for myself. I have bookclub every 3rd Thursday of the month with other Mrs. And times like these when I can jot down a few thoughts before I go back to the business of taxes. (Hurray....NOT)

Hmmm...what has happened? I think it would be best to just type up as I remember it, and if you don't mind, I'll do it Outline-style:

- I had travelled back to Manila for the business again in November and it is slowly getting there. I am happy with the way things are going and hopefully it continues to move positively.

- We went to Utah this December for 2 reasons: 1) to watch the U2 Concert - which was incredible and will definitely need a separate blog entry; and 2) visit my husband's family, and spend Christmas there. It was a fun 10 days but it was good to be home and spend the New Year's in our home with my family.

- My daughter celebrated her 5th birthday and we spent a quiet evening with spaghetti, cake and ice cream in our home with just myself, Brian, Ian and Moira. Then we gave the gifts - she LOVED it. Barbie dresses and a Barbie bed with a princess canopy - it was great because for a few moments, as I was wandering around the toy store, I got to go back to my childhood and bought stuff that I would have loved to receive. And she did, she said that it was the best birthday ever! We're celebrating her birthday with her friends on Saturday and I'm sure it'll be something great too.

At any rate, I am back - hopefully for awhile and I wanted to say, I'll see you soon!!

Spirit of Gratefulness

2005-10-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

The past 2 years have been a true journey of realization and discovery. It's far too complicated and convoluted to have to explain all that had happened, suffice it to say that I've seen the dark side of myself and decided it was time to face it - and it wasn't pretty.

I've focused so much on myself and this journey for the past 2 years and dedicated that time to be able to face the demons that this moment of clarity is almost breathtaking. I look around and am amazed at how much I've missed, how blind I was and how unhappy I was. It took a long time and I am still getting help, but I know who I am now and what makes me ... well, me. Well, better than I did a couple of years ago for sure.

Today I decided to stop trying to cross off everything on my to do list, stop trying to get ahead on tomorrow's stuff, stop worrying about the schedule for tomorrow and just pause. I realized I haven't stopped in a long time and just be grateful for what was around me, the people around me and count my blessings.

I am grateful for my husband, his capacity to love, understand and be patient with me. We are so different and it amazes me how well we fit. We both value our individuality and we embrace each other's strengths, we are able to support each others weaknesses and learn from each other everyday. It helps that his industry is so creative and right brained, while mine is very practical and left brained. We're able to balance each other, a huge task but something we both want to make work.

I am grateful for my two beautiful, smart, amazing children. They are my joy and pride, the reason for my insanity and sanity, the meaning of my life and one of my contributions to the world. I am humbled and silenced by them, and they make me laugh. They are silly, goofy, crazy, irritating, stress-inducing, lovable, kissable - everything...my world would definitely be less without them.

My mornings are filled with hugs and kisses from Moira and Ian. My favorite time is in the morning when Brian is in the shower and I have both kids next to me, one under each of my arm. They snuggle, cuddle, kiss and hug as they watch Little Einstein and Jojo's Circus. It's what I need to get motivated in the morning, being such a night owl.

I am grateful for the career I have, because it fits me and I enjoy its challenges. I enjoy its practicality, the ability I have to be able to help others and it satisfies the need in me to keep on learning. I am also grateful for my boss, the senior financial advisor I work with - I couldn't ask for anyone more flexible, understanding, challenging, and demanding. I am grateful that he respects me and my abilities and that he values my time and effort. He appreciates what I do for his practice and is generous in showing his appreciation. I have heard there aren't a lot of people like him.

I am grateful that I have close friends and family who love me and know me well. Whom I can love and share my innermost feelings and fears and be accepted still. I am grateful for the heartache and pain because it taught me that I am stronger than I thought, capable of withstanding more things than I thought I would be able to. I am grateful for people who remained by my side in my darkest times and believed in me. Grateful for their faith in the person that I am. Grateful that I have found true friendships.

I am grateful because God has given to an undeserving soul a peace that is beyond comprehension, a silence that comes not from hurt but from serenity, and a comfort that can only come from someone who loves unconditionally. I am rocked by the fact that throughout everything, the Lord continues to be faithful and merciful and loving. Truly, there is no greater love than this, that one would give His life for a friend. And it is in this gratitude that I can find strength to turn out and look outwards again, and face the world with the authetic self that I have been borne out of love with and seek to share with others the blessings that allow me to be forever grateful.

I'm back...I think

2005-10-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

I looked at the date of my last posting and couldn't believe that a whole month had gone by since I last posted anything here. Where did the month go? Oh yeah, stuck in a blizzard called life. Work was going through a huge transition, my role in the office changed and drastically demanded more of my time. Our business has also taken off and we're doing more work that required more of my attention and with tons of details that I need to keep track of. My kids are getting older and demands more of my time and energy.

My husband and I are such workaholics we drive ourselves to the ground regularly, this past month, I was doing more than I should - another trait I've been trying to control. He works so hard until he doesn't have any energy or motivation left to want to go to the office OR until he gets too sick to go to the office. I work so hard and so focused that I end up getting insomnia from thinking too much and losing so much weight with all the energy I spend without the food intake to compensate for it - all in all, it ends with me dying to get time off but refusing to take it until it's forced by others around me - my boss, my husband, my family...

I missed writing though, not the business correspondence or the reports or the analyses for work. Writing creatively, for no other reason than to allow my brain to express whatever it has inside - to release creative juices that have been quieted by the left side of my brain in its ever moving quest for logic and rational reasoning.

I miss talking about nonsense with my friends, about anything and everything that has gone one around the world - serious or humorous, silly or tragic - anything. These days the only thing I've had time to do is ask how they've been and move on.

But there is more to life than this, I know. But this is where I excel. Where I can put my energy and mind into something that would result in very good work - to an outstanding performance. That's not me blowing my own horn, just my past experience, I know if I put my heart and soul into something and work hard, it's going to work. This works in the workplace more than in real life but that's another story all together, and one I'm not in any position to say anything about. I'm still learning.

But I missed posting in my blog, and so many of my new online friends have dropped by and I really appreciate your words and kind wishes. It's so nice to have you around. I hope to be able to post more regularly and share whatever tidbit that I have to share....hope you don't mind. :)

My list of things to do is over 4 pages long, in excel, in landscape. That's for work, business, home (we're looking to sell our home soon), family (dance classes, kindergarten school searches, bi-annual physical examinations for everyone, dental appointments, holiday plans, scheduling holiday pictures, it's endless!!!), travel plans.

It's still so crazy, my brain is screaming at me to work on the stuff I brought home from work instead of this posting - but I feel the need to throw everything out before I go back to my work mode. So here it is:

I am happy and content,
tired and exhausted,
searching and finding,
needing and needed,
stressed and pressured,
motivated and eager.
I find that I am where I wanted to be,
and it's not how I expected it to be.

Me, signing out for now - hopefully only temporarily.

Tagged again....this time by Cynch

2005-08-31T14:13:00.000-07:00

Seven Things That Scare Me

1.) Insects (Much to Brian’s annoyance)
2.) Birds (ditto here)
3.) Being alone at home and “feeling” someone there
4.) Ever since I had kids I fear people breaking into our home
5.) A future unplanned
6.) Anything that may potentially harm my kids
7.) Getting buried alive (labo but true)

Seven Things I Like The Most

1.) Ipod
2.) Books – any old book will do
3.) Clothes shopping
4.) Shoes shopping
5.) my Vaio
6.) our family pictures
7.) Chocolate

Seven Random Facts About Me

1.) I’m a multi-tasker but if I have only ONE thing to do, I cannot start it
2.) I’ve danced in Cuneta, Luneta and Araneta – hahaha – also had performed in Iloilo and Bacolod
3.) I won first place in a landscape drawing contest set up by the artschool I went to – my favorite medium are pencils. I haven’t drawn in over 10 years.
4.) I’ve finished writing a novel back when I was in high school – it’s somewhere at home.
5.) I learned to speak French in Geneva and got very good – that was back in 1994 – now I want to immerse in it again
6.) I have a memory box that has letters from friends back in grade school
7.) I learned feminist theology and am a feminist in its truer sense.

Seven Important Things In Our Bedroom

1.) Laptops
2.) Bed with our (new) Egyptian 300 count sheets
3.) Playstation 2 – we watch DVDs and Bri plays video games on it
4.) Table and filing cabinet – the one source of organization in our toddler filled house
5.) My big cabinet of clothes, shoes and purses
6.) Box of memories
7.) New books I just bought to stack on my “Books to read” pile

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die

1.) Publish a book
2.) Go on a cruise to Alaska with my hubby
3.) Live in Geneva for awhile
4.) Help my family get back on their feet
5.) Ensure my kids educational future
6.) Be able to give back to the country of my birth
7.) Learn how to be happy and live in the now

Seven Things I Can Do

1.) I can write
2.) I can smoke and quit whenever I want to
3.) I can keep friendships that lasts even while far apart
4.) I can drink 7 glasses of cosmopolitan (tried and tested – was I drunk? Yes.)
5.) I can read all day given the chance
6.) I can dance the swing and boogie too
7.) I can and do everything I can to help friends out

Seven Things I Can’t Do

1.) I can't go on camping trips – nature freaks me out (sad but true)
2.) I can't say goodbye to people with whom I’ve invested lots of time, love and effort
3.) I can't live without drama (either my own or someone else’s)
4.) I can't drive in Manila anymore! (I hate this – the 2 times I tried I almost got into an accident, I just decided to quit for everyone's safety)
5.) I can't last the day without being on the computer
6.) I can't stay mad too long. (ME TOO, Cynch!)
7.) I can't let things go – if it’s not perfect/complete/done, I’ll keep at it

Seven Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex

1.) Eyes – the windows to our soul
2.) Intelligent and smart (those are two very different qualities)
3.) Great sense of humor with a bit of sarcasm
4.) Broad shoulders
5.) Arms that are built to hook your arm around as you're walking
6.) His sense of adventure
7.) A unique quality that intrigues me

Seven Things I Say The Most

1.) Good God!
2.) Oh my gosh
3.) How you doing?
4.) Really?
5.) Stress!
6.) Pick up your toys please!
7.) Ian, Moira NO!

Seven Celeb Crushes (Whether Local or Foreign)

1.) Hugh Grant
2.) Brad Pitt
3.) Matthew Perry
4.) John Corbett (better known as Aidan)
5.) Viggo Mortenson
6.) Doug Flutie (sob, sob)
7.) Chris Noth

Seven People You Want To See Take This Quiz

1.) Gloria
2.) Rhona
3.) Nette
4.) Leslie
5.) Edrei
6.) Ella
7.) Theresa

Birthing stories part deux...

2005-08-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

I was in the challenging and competitive world of financial planning, working almost 60 hours a week, taking care of a toddler and being a wife to Brian in 2002. I had been feeling pretty sick for awhile already, and had missed my period but it was a stressful time - I was pretty irregular anyway and didn't pay attention to it. I went to Manila because of a death in the family and also to take a breather - the demands of my job were huge and I was missing a lot out of my little girl. I came home and a week later began complaing to Brian about a shooting pain in my back. I asked him to press it and he bought me a pregnancy kit.

I was pregnant.

Shamefully and guiltily, I admit now that I cried. In fear, in confusion and just being completely overwhelmed. I didn't know how I was going to handle a toddler and an infant AND work. Bri and I talked for awhile at the timing of the baby, but after our hug - we both said, well, if the baby had gotten through 2 forms of birth control, Someone infinitely more powerful and knowledgeable has our lives in His hands. And He probably knows something we don't.

We went to the doctor, all the while dicussing (debating, truth be told) about how far along I was. I was thinking I was maybe 4 weeks, he was convinced I was 8 weeks. The doctor after initially doing an internal ultrasound and going, "OH HELLO!", corrected us both and said I was 14 weeks pregnant! Brian's initial reaction? "Yes! We missed the first trimester - no weird cravings!"

From the start, I already felt that this one was bigger. This time, we both wanted to know what we were going to have. I was ecstatic, I was going to miss morning sickness! (Now that I think about it, I didn't because all the time I was nauseous in the office, I was actually having morning sickness. It wasn't stress, I was pregnant!)

One of the biggest differences with Ian was the relationship I had with my ob-gyn. With Moira, she asked all sorts of questions, I asked all sorts of questions, lots of advice, tips, etc. This time, this was how the typical check up went:

Doctor: How are you feeling?
Me: Bloated, constipated, my legs cramp all the time, my back hurts a lot, headaches are more often, I can't sleep at night, but I'm tired all the time.
Doctor: Ok, so normal?
Me: Yes, pretty much.
Doctor: Any questions for me this time?
Me: Yes, when can we induce?
Doctor: (laughs) Let's try to make 9 months, ok?

The decision to cut on my hours and make a slight change in my career path was made easier and God was watching over us, there was a job waiting for me that accomodated my current situation AND kept me in the industry I enjoyed. Without the crazy hours and insane stress.

Again, the pregnancy went brilliantly. No complications, no bad surprises...just the normal aches and pains and gains of a growing human inside you. It was the longest 6 months of my life. I had initially thought that by having gone through the first trimester without knowing I did, this pregnancy would go much quicker...not quite.

Ian was big! He had his feet in my rib cage ALL THE TIME. When he moved, it wasn't the graceful, slow movements that Moira had - it was abrupt, sudden and action-packed. As I worked, I actually grunted or jumped in surprise when he moved. A co-worker called me her human birth control. Hahaha

The funny part, now that I had experience child birth, I knew the difference between Ian moving (the fluttery movement) and gas. What I couldn't stand about the thing was not being believed because I was the mom. When I told people that Ian was definitely bigger, they all said, "nah, that's only because you feel it more." Hah! We'll see.

My due date was on May 15, 2003. A month before, I was convinced there was no way I was making that mark. He had been in position, I was bigger than I was even though I only gained 30 lbs. again. (I obviously took to heart what our doctor said about maintaining weight gain to 25-30 lbs at most to ensure that I lose it after birth.) But like Moira, Ian was stuck fast to my ribs - he wasn't coming out unless he was pushed out.

May 2nd, Friday - our last doctor's appointment. She said, "you're free and clear, if you want to and you're really having a hard time, I can induce you on Monday." Now before you think I'm complete wuss and HUGE complainer. At this point, I was starting to feel like I was coming down with the flu. The LAST thing I wanted was to be sick and giving birth. So when she said Monday, I said, "Great, see you at 7am." She did warn us though that if another couple goes in that's an emergency, they will be given priority and we might be bumped. I told Brian as we were leaving, "no way, can i be bumped off."

May 5th, Monday, 7am we were at Scripps Memorial Hospital again. This time it was just Brian and myself. I did the things I wasn't able to do before I was strapped the last time, go to the bathroom, tie hair, get ready to be stuck on a bed, etc. and then had the fight with the IV again, and then the pitocin.

Our nurse was just as good as our last one. They stay with you the whole time, so you can only have one nurse taking care of you. EXCEPT, this nurse told me, "why didn't you get the epidural earlier? why did you do the sedative? didn't you wake up every 5 minutes or so in extreme pain?" I love my nurse.

This was our set-up, Bri sat next to me and started reading his comics. I was laying down, with pain killers in my IV and the pitocin, I reached for the TV remote and started watching TV. It even became a game for us to watch as the monitors marked when I was having a contraction and when it started to peak. After a while though, I started to feel the height of the contractions and Brian called the nurse.
Again, the scientific puzzle of injecting the epidural in a pregnant woman's spine and then, the comfort of no pain and just excitement at the coming birth.

Throughout what I would call the calm before the storm for Brian and myself, I only saw a couple people constantly, my nurse and my ob-gyn checking on me, and once in awhile if my nurse was away, another nurse to hand me my ice chips. My nurse and Dr. Nguyen would come in, say something like 6 cm dilated, 80% effaced, you're doing well. And then Brian and I would watch TV, chat and generally relax.

It changed at 2:45pm, when they came in and said, "Ok, it's time." Again, I couldn't feel anything below my waist and so would only push and hope I was pushing when they told me.

At 3:07pm Ian Christopher Rausch was born, 7 lbs. 9 oz (HA!), and 20.25 inches. He was perfectly handsome, as calm as his sister and we had our family.

Birthing stories

2005-08-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

I was going through a few birthing stories in n@w and a few bloggers in n@w as i was bloghopping. It made me feel a little sad because I never really put my experience down and now my daughter is 4 years old and my son is 2 years old. But for my own OC mind's sake...hehehe

Moira's due date was supposed to be on January 9, 2001. The pregnancy had been fairly uncomplicated - except for a move from Los Angeles to San Diego on my 8th month requiring me to look for an ob-gyn, pediatrician and hospital a month before my due date - everything went well. Unlike my mom, I was not one who enjoyed being pregnant. Oh, I loved the idea of having our baby inside me, growing and loved it when they moved and enjoyed the "being". I just didn't enjoy how cramped, uncomfortable and tiring pregnancy was.

We decided not to find out what we were having in our first pregnancy. We liked the idea of being surprised, and we also didn't have a preference so for us as long as he/she was healthy, we would be most grateful. As the days leading to the due date, I started gaining a pound a week. I had a slow weight gain, and in fact, lost weight on my first trimester. I made up for it in the second trimester, especially when I traveled to Manila for two weeks, I think I gained 10 lbs. when I was there - my doctor had to make sure I didn't have gestational diabetes.

On our last doctor's appointment, I had gained 30 lbs. It was the heaviest that I had ever been at 132 lbs. and I was unhappy. I waddled instead of walked, couldn't sleep at night as the baby kicked, moved and adjusted ALL night, I was tired all the time, slept for hours during the day and had headaches but couldn't take any of my pain relievers because it would be bad for my baby. The worst was my scoliosis that just hurt all the time. After the doctor examined me, she said I was about 1 cm dilated, but not yet began effacing - which wasn't a big deal anymore at this point since I had been that way for weeks now.

Initially, we had thought we would have our baby early, since history (Brian's mom and my mom) showed a penchant for delivering early babies. Our doctor said because of the weight gain I was showing, she was concerned that I would end up having a CS rather than a normal delivery since she felt my hips too small to accomodate my baby. If my due date came and went, we were to call them and they would arrange for us to come in the next day to be induced.

January 10, at 7am we were at Scripps Memorial Hospital, bright and early with my mom and Brian's dad. I was nervous, excited, scared, happy, relieved, terrified all at the same time. We had gone through Birthing Classes, Breastfeeding classes, Parenting classes but when you're confronted by the reality of what you're really about to do - no amount of coaching, training, or video is going to prepare you. The best thing that those classes did though was give me information on what can 'potentially' happen - these prepared me for what may happen. The one thing I realized, every birth is different.

After signing in, getting an LDR room (LDR - labor, delivery and recovery), and everyone settling down. The nurse connected me to an IV (after several tries and a warning from me that I had very thin veins and they tended to collapse), I gave her my birthing plan, and then injected the pitocin - this would allow me to start my contractions.

People who know me, know that I cannot STAND pain...I am a huge wuss. My threshold for pain is so stupidly low, I refrain from mentioning it. Suffice it to say that the needle on the IV was a huge pain factor for me. That being said, this was actually the first thing I told our nurse the first time she asked me about my birthing plan. She gave me a sedative and told me that I would be given an epidural a little later in the day to avoid slowing down my contractions.

So what this sedative did was knock me unconscious only to wake up at the height of my contractions. And it was PAINFUL!!! I don't know how often I woke up in intense pain, but I do remember there being several times - and my husband's face completely crunched up in worry, fear and just general concern for me - before I fell asleep again. At some point in the afternoon, I was starting to wake up - it was time for the epidural. While it was explained how it was to be administered, the whole logistic of it was something I never really completely understood. How does a woman 9 months pregnant bend forward and protrude her back? Do they not notice the big bump in front of the women? After so much pain though, I didn't care if I was bent over backwards and hung upside down just as long as I had no more pain. Once the epidural was done, I was fine.

So fine, that when the nurse came in with my doctor for the nth time and then said, we're ready. I actually asked, "ready for what?" It was 5pm, I was 10 cm, 100% effaced and baby was in 0 position - it was time to push. I still remember what I was thinking when they told me it was time to push...I don't feel anything below my waist - I don't know if I'm pushing or not.

Apparently I was because at 5:26pm, about 10 hours after inducing, I gave birth to Moira Marie Rausch - 7 lbs. 5 oz. 19 3/4 inches long.

To be continued...

I've been Tagged

2005-08-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

I've just been tagged by Nette, thanks! Here goes...

1. What are the things you enjoy doing when there's no one around you?
Lately, I've found myself missing time without anyone around me. If I'm not at work, I'm meeting with people for business or with my kids or with my kids and husband. When I do find those few precious hours of alone time I love reading. It just clears my mind of all the crap and need-to-do lists that are constantly in there, and I get to absorb something else beyond what's right in front of me. If I can't turn off my brain though, I also enjoy curling up in bed (usually when Bri is away for a conference or business) and watching all the DVD's I've missed or re-watching a few series. Anything to bring my brain to a halt.

2. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Generally, time alone lowers my stress levels - by myself, hearing myself think and music running. If I can't do that, and I'm REALLY stressed, I break the rules and go bum a cigarette off a friend on the second floor and smoke. Hahaha - luckily for me, this has happened twice this year. Hehehe

3. Tag 5 friends and post it in theirs.
Cynch
Marj
Rhona
Ella
Velvet

A Pet Peeve..

2005-07-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

Allow me a moment to fan the embers of a potential discussion and ruffle a few feathers as I do my bit and stand on my soapbox.

Call it stroking my feminist fires, but one of the things I really hate hearing is the statement; "I trust my husband/boyfriend, I just don't trust girl/the other party". I have two reasons: 1) I believe women have a hard enough time in this world to try to compete in a patriarchal society, succeed in their careers against men, succeed in their personal lives and live up to society's stamp of approval without having to have other women be an obstacle to that success.

I mean, obviously the speaker of the statement would have to be a woman, and basically what she's saying is, I can't trust other women around my man because they're the "evil one" in any solid, committed relationship. COME ON!!!

I love my girl friends, the few and the close ones that I have. I love the sisterhood I share with them and with a few others from a community I used to belong to. I love the openness and the unselfish love and concern we have for each other. Maybe that's why I loved Sex in the City, not so much for their intriguing topics, but for the companionship and loyalty they exhibited with each other - throughout their lives regardless of what they did or chose not to do.

To have anyone say that the reason their great relationship fell is because a girl got in between them, has put blame on one person and it was with a "sister". It takes two to tango, it takes two to cheat.

The second reason: YOU DO NOT TRUST YOUR PARTNER!!! Short of saying, I can only trust him with a nun, you don't trust him. Because if you do, no Delilah, no Bethsheba or Cleopatra would be able to get him...because he would have told you about her, he would have introduced you to her AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, he would have told her about you and how important you are and how she will never have him because he had you.

Oh, I've heard it all - there are women out there who would go after a man even if they knew he had a wife, a girlfriend, a person he is courting (he's not married yet). Well, there are men out there who's sole goal in life is to only be with the unattainable and women who are already committed, does that mean the woman is not to blame if and when she cheats? Sorry, that logic is twisted.

My point? Easy, don't blame one, blame both. If a man or a woman cheats with their partner, it is not ONLY the other person's fault (for going out with a married person) it is also the fault of the weak and spineless married man or woman. Unless they cry rape, they have all the faculties, all the will and the maturity to either say no, stay away OR make a way to avoid such situations.

PLEASE, do not say that it is a woman's fault that your boyfriend/husband cheated on
you. Your weak, spineless, sorry excuse for a man cheated on you with another woman. The other woman is definitely not absolved nor should she be spared from any of your anger and spite - she deserves it! But please, let's not demonize the woman and make your man a saint in this.

Oh, and while in the topic, some men have made the phrase, "I'm weak." as a means to excuse infidelities, whether real or imagined. And some of us may have decided, well, they're men - that's really their weak spot. No....no, no!!! A thousand times no! They're human - they're not animals, their penises do not dictate what they should do OR ELSE they would be peeing around their offices to signify their territory, heck they would pee on YOU to show people you're their territory.

It's an excuse! Please see it for what it is. An excuse they give so that if you do catch them in an infidelity, they can easily say, "well, remember I told you about that?" Unless they're psychologically ill - meaning, they have been medically branded as a sexual psychopath and a rabid liar and psychologically incapable of being faithful, they are ABLE to control themselves and their libido!

Men count on our ability to understand them, our need to mother them, our desire to have them stay with us, that they are able to use this excuse. IF they respect you and love you truly and honestly, and want you to be their wife and partner for life, they will not disrespect you and devalue your relationship by having random sex. And if they do, we should have enough self-love, self-respect and self-esteem to realize, we're worth more than that.

Why am I able to say this? It would be hypocritical of me to say all this without saying that I used to think this way. Heck, my history practically supported this theory. Until I met a man who loved me and respected me completely. He made me realize that men can be faithful, men can be relied on and trusted AND most importantly, that they CAN control themselves. He still recognizes beauty on the street and admires them, he can still find other women interesting, but he only wants to be and desires to be with his wife. Heaven love him, because I do.

A normal day

2005-07-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

I was at work today and just realized that I couldn't focus on anything. I was working on auto-pilot, luckily I wasn't working on anyone's portfolios or rebalancing accounts. The previous evening I was working on something for the business and realized that I had been staring at the same page for about 20 minutes. I also found myself very short and impatient with my kids and finding that I was desperately trying to avoid being overcome as they chattered, screeched, sang out loud in the car, in the house, by the bed...and Brian and I are just tired, we didn't speak a word before we went to sleep.

Not a good day all in all, but a normal one in a normal family, there are good days and there are days like today...

Integration

2005-07-09T19:39:00.000-07:00

The noise isn't as deafening as I thought it would be
The world not collapsing upon itself
The sky isn't falling and all is in surreal normalcy
I am fine, my feet is steady
I am still standing

The journey that I thought led to separate roads
Come together as if by magic

The pieces fit in it's own puzzle place, their forms adjust to each angle
I watch and see mesmerized the transition of my perception
The ideas I had about things, I find are without reason
Stubborn beliefs I held for so long crumble and fade
Things are not as I expected and yet…even this is fine

I see the path a little more clearly
Nothing is truly black or white, not even gray
Some things are just what they are

It is an act I do in sheer amazement
That I walk towards the person I felt I could never be
The right and wrongs fall on its wayside, as they are unimportant
The person that I have made myself to be has met who she truly is
The meeting is strangely simple and painless

The journey was unexpected but welcome
And it goes on…

A look at our marriage - thoughts from afar

2005-07-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

A few thoughts I had written while I was away on vacation, and didn't want and couldn't be in front of the computer without working...

Spending time on work, business and family like it's going out of style - filled with so many needs, wants, responsibilities, obligations...sometimes I lose sight of the spirit behind all that work.

The security of our future that we try to work for, just doesn't equal to moments of bliss when I lay in bed with Ian and have our cuddle attacks. Or times when Moira and I have our talks on her dolls, toys and imaginative dreams as I either brushed her hair, or sat down in bed with her.

We work hard and strive to provide for our children, to be able to give them what we never had as children, provide for them the opportunities that may not have been afforded us, or we weren't remotely interested in. A fear I have is a dream of my child not being fulfilled because of something I was unable to do...our lives after children stop being our own, even as we strive to find ourselves in this new place in marriage.

Brian and I work at finding time for each other. We are blessed because we have found jobs that we love, keep us challenged and interested and strangely enough we are passionate about. Many times we both have said that had we not have children, we would be 2 workaholics that collapse on each other every other night as we work hard and probably party hard as well. I think our kids give direction to our work-craziness, and probably force us to take vacations, breaks and weekends. =)

It is a delicate balance between our obsessive compulsive nature to attain some sort of perfection at our jobs and the practicality of actually being able to do that and live some sort of quality life with the family. It took some time but I am much better at that - I used to think that I would be able to give the 100% that work, and family demands. I used to think that I can do everything I needed to do at work, go home and be the best mother and wife that I can be. Then, when that didn't work, I thought maybe if I gave about 80% to each side I could be happy still. But it wasn't happening and for awhile I felt like a huge failure...if I couldn't make it work, maybe this wasn't what I was supposed to be doing.

It was a couple of years of going through and in the end of that long, trying journey - the face of my kids, the embrace of my husband was made more special. I learned something very important in our marriage; this is our marriage, not made up of anyone else's ideals, values and visions...but ours. We created our marriage the way we wanted it to be and now we don't live up to anyone else's ideas of how a marriage should be, but our own.

It's certainly not the traditional kind of marriage, at least not the kind like our parents had. We have separate vacations sometimes, we share equally on our responsibilities at home, we raise our kids the best that we can, maybe not in the neatest and sanitized of homes - but definitely they are raised loved and cherished. I certainly can't speak on how well our way will be but I know that we are the best that we can be and we love each other completely, faults and bruises and all.

Finally! A chance to write...

2005-06-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since my last post - who knew that I would get soooo busy. I've really nothing to talk about pero really happy that I have a chance to sit and write for a little bit.

Even before I always found myself trying to be busy, keep busy, keep myself occupied because I found that when I was idle, it would be very dangerous. Hahaha I'd get into the oddest problems, craziest troubles and just be destructive. That was in college...these days, I find that I'm not TRYING to be busy, as much as I am busy with work, our start up business, the kids, my husband, social obligations, family obligations...everytime I find some sort of free time, I find that I can actually find something within 5 seconds that I need to do asap.

A great example, today we got home and I needed to prepare for a phone meeting. We ordered dinner, relaxed for 5 minutes in front of the couch with Brian before I went upstairs to take off my shoes and jewelry, and that's when I saw the laundry the housekeeper had left nicely folded on our bed. I put that away, used the new hangers I bought from Ikea over the weekend and then I looked at the time it was 8pm! Time for my call. By the time I was done, it was time to put kids to bed, and put dinner stuff away. Haaaay...I have a 7:30 am meeting tomorrow naman and I'm still working. Who knew that the boredom allergy I had would be completely banished at this point in my life - now, I'm looking for a little bit of breathing room that doesn't have me going from one responsibility to another...

I miss my solo life sometimes...the alone times, the me times, the what-will-I-do-today times...but then I look at the sleeping faces of my son and daughter...the idle and starry look my husband has as he watches his show, and I can't imagine life without them. I guess we can't have everything...but anticipate to appreciate what we do have.

But sometimes...

I just had to share....

2005-05-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

I was looking for the number for Michi again so I checked her website. There were new brides added to Bride Talk so I looked...

www.michicalica.com

I was a single mom...for a week

2005-05-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

I have a new found respect for single mothers. I've always held them in a special place because they've decided against all odds (more so in the Philippines with the social stigma issues and conservative nature of most people there) to raise their child alone. I'm especially reminded of a friend of mine who had a child at 16 and is now a successful lawyer, and had graduated top of her class besides. Her son is an amazing young man and their relationship is truly something to be envied.

Brian has been out of town for an entire week now, leaving me with the children. It hasn't really been completely out of control, on weekdays they're in daycare and on weekends it's just a matter of giving them something to do, plus Brian's just going to be gone for a week so, it's not that bad.

I've gone back to smoking though..(bad Marla, bad Marla) it's really funny because more than work - they stress me out. Ian is 2 and a silent destroyer...he destroyed my bathroom with water AND tissue paper when I left him alone for a few minutes...then, as I was cleaning up that mess, he went downstairs and emptied a loaf of bread and scattered them IN PIECES all over my dining room and living room floor...not too bad on the stone floor, but on the carpet ... what a pain! I was so angry, after a full day of work, the last thing I wanted to do was clean up messes and yet, here I am. I scolded Ian, who looked properly chastised and then he grinned and said, "MAMA!" giving me a big hug. Now, who can continue to be mad?

Moira is 4 and she is a stubborn, independent and strong-willed little girl. (Mom laughs because Moira reminds her of me and she feels vindicated that all the trouble I put her through when I was young, will now be done to me by my girl.) She chooses her own clothes, decides what she wants to eat, wants to do things at her own time and when it doesn't conform to what I need her to do, throws a tantrum like only a 4 year old can. Sometimes it's hard to think of her as being 4 because she seems older in years - vocabulary-wise, rationalizing, etc. - then she throws a huge tantrum...and then I'm reminded, she's a little girl, not an adult.

My schedule isn't too harsh, up by 7:30am to get everyone ready to go, breakfast bars on the way out the door (and milk, juice or water for thirsty toddlers), drop them off at daycare. A full day's work at my office ending at about 5:30pm, go pick up kids get home by 6:00pm, play a disney channel cartoon for Moira and give her a snack, give Ian his cars and toys to play with and his snack then begin dinner. Dinner is at 7pm - we all sit at the dining table (I am tired of picking up crumbs everywhere) where I struggle to get them to eat everything on their little plates, lots of "mom, I want more juice, I want more chicken, I don't like peas..." By the time we're done, the dining room is a huge mess (Ian likes spreading his food on the table before he eats it...God only knows why)...we march upstairs, by now it's 8pm, for a bath.

They get in the bath, I shampoo their hair and leave them to play with each other as I clear the mess downstairs a little bit, turn on my laptop to start work on my business and check on the sounds of the kids, making sure there are 2 kids laughing and no crying. Ian usually wants out first and I dress him up and that's our little cuddle time. We lay in bed and play our tickle games, read him his books and play word games. Moira usually lounges in the bath more, playing or just laying on the water.

I brush Ian's teeth, then it's his turn - then at 9pm he says goodnight to his Ate and I put him in bed. Truck and bear in hand and his favorite blankets, he's all set. I turn off his lights, close the door and in my head, "One down, one more to go."

Moira drags her feet more because she knows it's bedtime, once out of the bath it's a struggle to find the "right" princess night dress to wear. Then it's another struggle to find her special princess toothpaste, I brush her teeth and then it's her turn...then it's begging, cajoling, pleading and bargaining time for her so that she can lay in my bed for another 5-10 minutes and watch cartoons. I usually let her do it, and we can lay together as she watches and I chat a bit on my laptop. Finally, 5 minutes is over, I kiss her goodnight, hand her Star Bear and she's off to bed. I tuck her in, turn off her lights, sing her her night-night song and I close the door...it's 9:30pm. I've been up and running since 7am....time to clean the kitchen and the front room, otherwise it's a bigger mess in the morning.

By the time I'm done and ready to relax it's about 10pm...I take a quick bath, turn on the tv and log into my chatrooms and conferences...finally, it's time for me. I try to sleep early but I'm such a night owl I end up sleeping at 1am. (Bakit kaya? hehe) Then the whole thing starts again in the morning..

I miss Brian...

Ian's birthday

2005-05-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

It's so funny having a young 2 year old boy...Ian is the class clown, his teachers always tell me how hard they laugh everyday with his antics. He's also a performer, he dances to the Wiggles tunes and pretends he's singing into a microphone as he's dancing and swaying to American Idol contestants - it is the funniest thing to see!!!

Yesterday was his birthday, Cinco de Mayo...Brian brought him into bed with me that morning and I cuddled with him. He was being a big baby (which is where he pretends he's a baby and wraps blankets around him) and I put him on my lap and snuggled with him (heavy baby, he's now 32 lbs). I can't believe he's 2 years old! I still remember him being my little baby boy - barely bigger than my arms and certainly not weighing this much. He has the most amazingly beautiful eyes that can make you melt and the sweetest smile that, even on my worst days, makes me smile too.

Brian and I took half the day off and bought Ian's gift, a red tricycle! We then went to the grocery to buy the stuff to cook his favorite rice and Burger Bundles, a Rausch family tradition, and balloons and of course, his cake! We bought everything and brought it home - so happy that it was a Thursday, our housekeeper would've just cleaned our house. We cooked, arranged, assembled Ian's tricycle and put stuff away.

When I picked him up at daycare, he was out in the playground with his sister and when he saw me, as usual and I love it, his face lit up and he started running to me calling out, "Mama, Mama." Moira looked up and ran to me too. That feeling is just too precious. We left and went home where Ian had the time of his life...

I love this...I can't believe he's two - he's just not a baby anymore.

W@W egroup

2005-05-04T14:16:00.000-07:00

I've said goodbye to a group of brides and grooms, all of whom I have never met except online nor seen except through pics on websites. And yet strangely, I am sad. They've been my support when while planning for our wedding, I felt soooo much stress or when I was confronted with these obstacles that just quite frankly annoyed me. (See previous entries) They've been a source of laughter when all I could concentrate on were my own struggles because of overseas planning. And a place to comfort and advice when they needed help.

It's interesting because we can build friendships without sight or touch or actual presence, and yet know these folks are friends. I will cherish them all and probably continue to be in touch with most of them. It was a good run but talking to new bride-to-be's and groom-to-be's just makes me miss my own preparations (don't tell my husband!). It also makes me linger onto the wedding part of my relationship when I've actually been in the married part for 5 years and 1 1/2 months now.

So onto marriage and N@W, the newlywed group (although, yes, technically I'm NOT a newlywed) and I'll try not to go into W@W too much...no promises though.

Well, maybe just to satisfy the wedding prep cravings I get once in awhile. =)

A Horror Story

2005-04-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

I've always relied on Fedex to send stuff from Manila to the US - especially during the wedding preps...this was how I got the swatches from Michi and the designs, as well as copies of contracts and stuff like that - essentials an overseas OC bride would need.

Well, this was the one occasion I was truly looking forward to. My mom received the photos already and was sending it to me. It was a Monday. My sister did the online thing to print out the shipping and requested for a pick-up. Monday passed, then Tuesday. Wednesday she called and filled out another request for pick-up. Nothing happened still. She finally started emailing and calling Fedex Manila office for help.

They informed her she would need to get an authorization letter from me since she was going to use my account to ship the package. She told them she had done this before with no problem and they said it was to protect the accounts of their clients (which I understand). They said they couldn't get in touch with me - so they contacted the US office to call me.

They called me at 7am to authorize the shipment. I didn't mind it, the person on the other line was more than apologetic for calling so early. She told me I will be receiving an email as to where to send an authorization letter to. At this point, it was Friday - 4 days since we've requested for a pick up.

I got the email, sent the information to the Fedex office in Manila to 3 different people to facilitate the shipment. I also asked them to expedite the pick up since it has been request 4 days ago and it took my sister to email AND to call before she could get any reason why there was a problem.

Saturday, they picked the package up! Yay....except they couldn't ship the CD containing the pictures because we needed a commercial invoice to do it and my sister had to fill it out and they'll pick it up LATER. My sister said NO...send it without the CD if necessary.

I checked my Fedex account - it was due to arrive at my house Monday at 10:30am. I am ecstatic, you have no idea. Monday comes I check my online Fedex account to see if it's been delivered...INCORRECT ADDRESS.

I was stunned. What? So I called the Fedex customer service and they told me that they couldn't deliver the package because it was an incorrect address. I asked them to give me the address and it was CORRECT. They asked if I had a missing apartment number or suite number - I said no and they said they would send it out to me in the afternoon. They also said they would have someone call me back to confirm. At 2pm, I called back and another customer rep told me it would be sent out that day - and re-confirmed the address with me.

At 6:00pm when I got home, there was no package. I called Fedex and the person who answered told me, it was coded to be delivered the NEXT day. I told him I had talked to 2 people who assured me that it would be delivered that day and he said the local office that was responsible was already closed, I can call the next day to talk to a manager - I asked them to note that I wanted someone to call me back.

At 8:30am on Tuesday, I called Fedex to RE-CONFIRM the address and make sure the package would be delivered that morning at 10:30 like it said online. It was confirmed and I waited. At noon I checked the online tracking thing and it said: INCORRECT ADDRESS. WHAT?! I called the customer service again and asked for an explanation - I've verified the address that morning and it was explained to me that it would be delivered. They transferred me to another person in Atlanta, then to another person in the local office and when I asked to just be transferred to a manager, to a manager at the local office. He asked for my number and he told me he would call me back in 15 minutes. By this time I was really irritated.

He traced the package, traced the driver and the courier and came back to me in 15 minutes. He explained that the first day, the address couldn't be read and so the driver could not deliver the package..which did not explain why it wasn't sent out that afternoon. He then explained that in the morning, it was their mistake as someone had made a mistake on the address and the courier could not send it. He had the package sent out that day. He also spoke to the person involved who wrote the wrong address, as well as the driver.

He gave me his direct line to contact him just in case there were any other problems. I went home and a Fedex box was sitting outside of our doorway...it took awhile, but it was finally HERE!!!

It's here!!!

2005-04-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited after a month of waiting, the pictures from Eddie Boy are finally here - it actually has been in my Mom's house in Manila for 2 weeks na - they just finally got to sending it to me via Fedex...which is another horror story in itself. (Grrrrr....)

I've gone through the 700++ pictures...I love it. Now to scan and upload...abangan!!!

YAY!

The stars of our show

2005-04-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

Throughout the whole event, two people stood out from all the rest. Every eye was on them all the time. They made people laugh, cry or force a hug out of them. Those two were my kids - Moira and Ian.

Moira, a precocious 4 year old...sometimes I think she's 4 turning 30. Her vocabulary is more than a 4 year old's. She talks nonstop and she can carry a conversation all by herself if allowed. She's not shy at all, and would often revel in the center of attention. She believes herself to be a princess, and I keep that spirit alive by constantly calling her that. She's her mother's daughter, loves to go to the salon for a hair cut, loves shopping for clothes, shoes and books, and loves to talk to people. In the middle of the second reading for example, my brother was reading and from the congregation a little voice was heard, "Hi Uncle Corks!" My brother looked up startled but smiled, "Hi Moira." Before continuing.

Ian, on the other hand, is the exact opposite of Moira, he's a quiet, thoughtful almost 2 year old boy. He isn't one for socializing, preferring instead the comfort of people he knows. When he's around familiar people, he is the funniest little boy who loves to make people laugh. He wears buckets on his head as he walks around, he dances to the Wiggles tunes, and he eats like food is running out. If his sister is a princess, he is a silent destroyer - he loves to rearrange furniture and/or destroy things in his path. He is also the cuddliest and sweetest little boy. He fell on his head during the ceremony and all throughout the evening, had the saddest and stoic looks for the 200 or so guests that we had.

It was definitely more of a challenge to have kids during the wedding - but one that made our evening even more priceless than it already was.

Our First Dance

2005-04-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

WAY YOU LOOK TONIGHT

Some day, when I’m awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you’re lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won’t you please arrange it ?
’cause I love you ... just the way you look tonight.

Mm, mm, mm, mm,
Just the way you look to-night.

Then he sang...

2005-04-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

We were finally seated and food was being served to our table. Everyone on our table were already eating so it was with great relish that we started. The food was great! Via Mare certainly outdid themselves that evening - from the salads to the entrees...but where was Brian. He excused himself to go to the bathroom but he had been missing for awhile.

When he arrived, it was well into our next segment and Ate Jing, our emcee found a co-emcee. Moira! She was great, this was one of their exchanges:

Jing: How old are you Moira?
Moira: 4
Jing: How long have you known your Mommy and Daddy?
Moira: Umm...long enough. (Sound of the whole place exploding into laughter)

They were fixing something on stage and I was wondering what was going on. I asked Brian, but what would he know, he didn't do any planning. Then Jing called him on stage. A few minutes later, they called me. When I stood, I saw Brian standing in front of a microphone and a music sheet stand. A chair was being prepared for me. I already had tears in my eyes and nothing had even happened yet.

Brian spoke about our years together, what he felt about me and what the song he was about to sing meant to him. Then he sang. It was an original composition he had written and re-written over the years as we were together. I was crying, Moira was gazing lovingly up to her Daddy and everywhere around me I could see women quietly wiping tears as they smiled and watch and married men/men with girlfriends with an odd look to their faces ('She's going to want me to write her a song', was what one of my guy friends told me later they were all thinking.).

I knew Brian loved me, I never doubted that, but that night he proudly showed it, not only to me but to everyone who loved me too. That was a moment I will treasure forever.

The Reception at Fernwood or Part IV

2005-04-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

We were met at the end of the aisle by a shower of rose petals and hugs and kisses from friends and family. I knew Brian and I must have had the biggest smiles as we walked and greeted everyone. As we walked and talked the flashes from cameras kept going, Eddie Boy and my cousins were doing a great job documenting the event.

Eddie Boy took tons of pictures between the short walk from the church to the garden - we used a vintage car, the London inspired phone booth, the little bridge - for a few minutes I was imagining, so this is how it feels to be a model. We walked into the garden and watched as my secondary sponsors took polaroid shots of guests walking in, and tons of film on us too. I wanted to say, 'No, sayang ang film!' But I was too happy to think about planning at all. (No, I lied on the way into Cycad garden, I stopped by the registration table where a coordinator sat and asked about the reception arragements - she smiled and said, 'Everything is great.'- They must have to tell me that even when the venue is burning.)

I heard my cousin, Jing Jing, also our emcee, begin to introduce our entourage. Our godparents were presented and they walked down the stairs, then my Dad with Ian, and my Mom with Moira. When we were presented the String Minstrels stopped playing and I heard them start with our song: Amore. It was great! People clapped, smiled, laughed as we walked in and it was a great feeling. The place was absolutely BEAUTIFUL! I couldn't believe how gorgeous the place was - Robert Blancaflor did a fantastic job. Fernwood was beautiful in itself, but Robert's work created an entirely amazing world - my vision was made into reality. He was an absolute genius. We walked to the cake, which was perfect too. Karla did a fantastic job. The cake toppers were so cute! We had the cake cutting, the Best Man's toast and the Invocation...I wanted to sit down already, and then they announced that the buffet was ready - after a table was called they join us in the middle for a pictorial and then proceed to the buffet tables. It was going to be a looong night, Brian and I told each other - and we were starving!

Boy, we had a lot of guests!

The Ceremony or Part III

2005-04-13T22:58:00.000-07:00

When we arrived the first thing I saw were tons of people standing outside the church. This was the first time I've ever seen St. Francis or Fernwood for that matter. I just trusted my mom's, sister's and 2 aunts' opinions on this one, and I was happy I did.

Our car parked at the front of the church and Brian's Commuter with EVERYBODY in it arrived and parked in front of the church too, effectively blocking my view. My sister got out of the car and so did Eddie Boy. Moira wanted to go out too, but I told her to wait - we were going to go out last. The van backed out and I could now see people being herded into the church - at 6:15pm, the wedding should have started at 6pm. As friends and family walked by, they waved at me and some approached me and raved about Moira and my gown. Moira was dying to go out by then.

Finally, Nenita came out of the chapel to get Moira, she signaled everyone to line up and I was left in the car. I had no idea what was going on, basta waiting for my cue from Nenita. She signaled for me to come over and I stepped out of the car and walked gingerly towards the church.

The first thing that caught my eye was the amazing flowers and lighting - it was truly a beautiful sight. Then, I saw every seat was filled - friends and family were with us in our celebration. Then, I saw Brian's back a few steps away, we decided that since it was a renewal of vows, we would walk down the aisle together. To be able to still have that bridal entrance though, Brian stood in the back as the entourage walked in and waited for me to step into the place. When I saw him, I had to smile - there he was, waiting for me. I walked forward a few steps and realized he didn't know what he was supposed to do! I looked at Nenita who immediately understood what I wanted, she called quietly at Brian. "Brian, look at Marla."

When he turned, his face lit up and I knew I smiled too. I walked up to him and kissed him even though it wasn't time for that yet - he had the biggest smile. We both said hi to each other - it was the first time since last night that we saw each other. We started to walk down the aisle to the music of "The Rose", the same bridal march song we used when I first walked down the aisle.

There were tears and laughter throughout the ceremony, like it had the first time too. Because the airconditioning was directly at us, I was cold so Brian to be nice put an arm around me - from the front row my sister hissed, "Take your hand off her. Just wait." Brian and I had to giggle and so did some of my friends who were nearby. My kids too decided the altar where we were and the steps were the perfect places to play so during the ceremony, there were moments where the congregation would laugh and we knew it was something our children did. Ian did fall down the steps at one point, causing a unified gasp which made us turn around - luckily he found it the funniest thing also causing a unified giggle.

When it was time for the vows, I took the misallette and prepared to read - I've read it before and in fact, edited it for errors so I didn't think it mattered. As I began to read the words though, my voice cracked and in my head I was telling myself, "Why are you crying?!" Behind me, my friends who were readers began asking for tissue paper as they were crying too. Brian began to read his vows and also began to cry. Who knew?!

Father Ver gave his homily on love and marriage, he was funny, insightful, reflective and just perfect. We had the cord, veil, candle and arrhae traditions and the ceremony ended with the kiss. Picture taking which had begun in the hotel, kept on going...until we were well on our way to the reception.

Brian's Story

2005-04-12T00:34:00.000-07:00

Originally our agreement was, he wasn't going to do anything for the wedding - NOTHING - it will all be my thing. I didn't argue, the first wedding had him doing tons of things that a groom didn't have to do, but he did and so I felt this was only fair. Besides, he agreed to do the whole thing, why should I insist on anything more?

3 days before the wedding, I was stressed and completely overwhelmed. If I wasn't meeting with a supplier, I was busy finalizing the table arrangements and RSVPs for guests, or last minute song changes, or errands for the wedding, or making the favors. Brian knew how I was at this point and took it upon himself to take up the burden from me.

He thought it would take him at most 3 hours...it took him the whole of 2 1/2 days.

1. The misallette - Once finalized, my friend Bonki dropped it off at our house ready for photocopying. I decided to just have 20 copies done - only for the sponsors, readers, lector, priest. I gave Brian the hard copy and off he went with his best man, Rob. They went to Eastwood and went to the copy place. It was uneven, Brian had them fix it but it turns out the original was uneven. So he called and had me email him a copy. They went to an internet cafe, downloaded it to a disk and went to a print shop to have it printed. The print shop printed it in PINK!!! They ran out of black ink. So Brian, went to an ink shop to buy printer ink - at first they were told to wait because the secretary who knew the supplies wasn't there - when she got there, they were out of stock of that particular printer ink. He asked where he could have it printed, they suggested the internet cafe. So they went back to the internet cafe and had it printed, ran back to the photocopy shop and they copied 20 copies...they were missing page 9! So Brian went back to the internet cafe, printed page 9 and returned. All done! 10 minutes before they were done I texted him, "It doesn't need to be perfect, just good enough." He sighed.

2. Seating arrangements - I printed out the names of guests per table onto a gold metallic paper. I was going to cut that and paste it onto a burgundy card stock. Brian took that task too while doing the photocopying. He asked if the photocopy place could cut and paste the seating arrangements. They said they couldn't do it - Brian said, "If I bought you all coffee, could you do it for me?" They agreed and cut the paper to size, but gave the papers back to Brian for pasting. With double-sided tape, Rob and Brian put them all together beautifully.

3. Table numbers - For the table numbers I wanted to use family pictures that we've accumulated over 5 years to be on tables with the number embossed or printed on it. Brian also took this task. He took the original pictures and had it scanned into a disk - it took 3 hours to scan 20 pictures. When it was done, he brought it home and worked on it on his laptop using Photoshop, which took him about 30 minutes. He went out again this time to have it printed - by the time it was done, it was the end of the 3rd day and time to go to Edsa Shangri-la to check in and go to the rehearsal dinner. (Barong fittings were somewhere in between)

Still, despite all that work, when he walked into the church and reception he told me he realized, he had done nothing at all in comparison to what I had accomplished. I thought he was the greatest person on the planet for taking care of those things that I couldn't do anymore, and he thought I was the most amazing person for being able to create a perfect evening from 14000 miles away. =)

The boo-boos

2005-04-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

Before I continue the wedding day story, I suppose each bride to be experiences the little boo-boos and challenges before and during the wedding day. I had thought, this being a renewal of vows, I would be immune to all that...little did I know:

1. After having our bridesmaids lunch and getting all the outfits, accessories and hair and make up arrangements out of the way, two days later I get a call from one of my closest friends and a bridesmaid/secondary sponsor. She was really hesitant to tell me what was wrong, and when she did, I had to ask if she was joking. She told me she may have gotten sore eyes (pink eye) from her fiance. She thought about telling me when she was sure that she had sore eyes, but it was 2 days before the wedding, she knew it would be best to have an alternate ready just in case. The day before the wedding she called me at 8am. She has sore eyes. She arranged to have the gown sent to me because she lived in the South, while I searched for a proxy. THAT was fun. Luckily, my cousin came to the rescue and although we had to alter the dress, she was game for the whole thing, and things came out swimmingly.

2. Best Man arrived the day before the wedding at 10am. I was not worried because we've already corresponded weeks before about his measurements and the barong was done. They fit it at 2pm...it doesn't fit. It was so tight, he couldn't even button the shirt up himself. He gave me his measurements - chest 34', waist 32', length 38 long, etc...my friend who was doing the barong kept asking me, 'are you sure about the measurements?' I was sure and confirmed it. Somewhere between Brian's best man and I, we missed it - his chest was 39! Luckily, my friend saved the day by saying her tailors can have another one done in 3 hours...right before our rehearsal dinner. True enough, come 6pm, it was all ready and perfect!

3. The misallette, table numbers and seating arrangements were the last thing on my list of DIY things to do. But at this point, I was done! I was so stressed and overwhelmed, I couldn't handle it anymore. Brian to the rescue! He took the misallettes, table numbers and seating arrangements to have it done. He said it would take 2 hours...it took him 2 days! Brian's story next...

Afternoon of our Day or Part II

2005-04-01T23:24:00.000-08:00

By the time I had calmed down, Ian was still sleeping and Jeoff and the hairdresser (whose name I forgot! I need to call and find out again) had arrived. We sat and chatted for awhile, then my Dulzzi Gutierrez, my bridesmaid and Ces Pilapil, one of my caregroup arrived. It was a relief to see friendly faces. It was fun talking and laughing and they both did their best to coo over Ian without waking him. I warned them, the person who wakes him up gets to take care of him. Hahaha

I was starting to stress and everytime I paused to think about something, the first word out of my mouth was STRESS. My friends kept me calm and laughing though, which was great. I was getting text messages from friends and family rsvp'ing and/or telling me they were bringing more guests to the wedding. At that point, I was no longer concerned about that, I knew I had 2 tables that were still empty (buffer tables), so I just said, "great! see you there." And I meant it. I was told that I was first so I went and took my shower for the day, yes I didn't take a shower the minute I woke up because I wanted to do it before I actually needed to, for the fresher feel.

My mom returned with everyone else with Max's fried chicken, pansit and drinks - by then the hairdresser began fixing my hair. I was going to be first daw to make sure my make up and hair stay on all night, the photographer was not a problem since he can still take pictures of my preps with the touch ups. As I was having my hair curled, people were walking around eating, texting, playing with the kids, no one was actually preparing for the wedding. That wasn't really bothering me anymore, now it felt like I was starting to get into the preparation for the day and not letting stuff bug me anymore.

When I started my make up with Jeoff, it was great - he has the lightest hands and the he really concentrates on the accents of your face. He blends and uses brushes like they're paintbrushes as he tinted my cheeks as a blusher...it was just the lightest, airiest, and prettiest make up I've had - I loved it. Eddie Boy, our photographer extraordinaire, arrived while I was being fixed and immediately began taking shots, of my still sleeping son, my playing daugher, my chatting friends and mother and tita. At about the same time, my coordinators arrived - Nenita and her crew of 4. It was a relief to see her because I get to give her all the things I was supposed to give her two days before. Finally, I get to let go of the things I prepared, give her the final instructions for the small details that had been gnawing at the back of my mind, and I was free to just experience the whole day.

Pretty soon and yet not soon enough since we were late (we were supposed to have left by 5pm for our 6pm wedding, instead we left at 5:30), everyone was dressed including my kids. Follow up calls to Brian's room assured me that he was ready too and since they were going to ride together with my Mom and everyone else. Moira, Chelle and myself were going to ride to the church together with Eddie Boy. Then, we were travelling to the church. Filcars' driver, Randy was friendly and knew where to go.

So, there we were, en route to St. Francis of Assisi at Fernwood Garden - I had butterflies in my stomach, nerves going like crazy...I didn't understand why. But I was heading to the church, to re-marry the man I loved.

Our day, finally - March 20, 2005 - Part I

2005-03-31T22:48:00.000-08:00

The day began funnily enough - with a 2am massage at the Shangri-la Hotel in Edsa because I couldn't sleep.

It was a strange thing, I couldn't sleep. I was nervous, anxious and had the same jittery feeling when I first got married. I only remembered it when I was going through the feelings - it struck me as silly. Why was I going through this? It's not like Brian could leave me waiting at the altar. I mean, he could but all that would mean is he and I meeting at some point of the day with me VERY angry. We're married - it's not like I should really feel so anxious...but I was.

I woke up the next day feeling quite alone - which was good. I think me alone in a room, preparing for a wedding day was good. It made me appreciate being alone, being on my own, by myself. I was able to write in my journal, do last minute itemizing for the day's schedule. have room service sent up of fruit and coffee and just relaxed. It helped re-emphasize the meaning of marriage for me - not just the fact that I will have a partner for the rest of my life, but even in that partnership and companionship, our own individual person exists. With my own wants, own decisions and ways of doing things. I enjoyed my time alone, but also started to realize, it was 10:00am!!!

My first supplier, Jeoff from Emphasis had a call time of 11am and I still had to transfer to the junior suite. There was a discussion with front desk about the next room and after several calls back and forth, the bellhops arrived to take my things from my room to the new suite. I texted the room number to Nenita, my coordinator and my day really begun.

First of all, let me get one ugly moment out of the way...you're familiar with the mother-daughter clashes that happen during these high tension moments? Well, my mom and I had ours that day too...just as they arrived at the suite. She started telling me there were mistakes on the table setting names and that the table arrangements were wrong. I was stressed, anxious and not really in the mood to deal with mistakes at that point and snapped, "You want to change it, do it yourself. In fact, do what you want to do."

That of course got her angry, and she walked out taking people she brought with her including my sister, my aunt, my daughter and the maid and driver. Ian, who was sleeping was the only one left with me. And so, for the rest of the morning until Jeoff arrived, it was just Ian and me watching tv.

What a great start to the day, don't you think? I called Brian, who was with his best man, and raged about it to him. After that, I felt better, he's great at calming me down. Jeoff arrived with the hairdresser and we began our wedding preparations...

On what made us renew our vows

2005-02-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

It's easy to get lost in the busy-ness of all the wedding preparations, the work, kids and family responsibilities and just the "to-do" lists that we have. It's also easy to lose sight of the big picture when the nitty-gritty and minute details gets us bogged down.

That's why I'm glad I have Brian.

We are polar opposites, it's amazing. Aside from the obvious, he is as Caucasian as can be and I am purely Filipina, he is the yang to my ying. He didn't have a single dressy shirt before I met him, except for that suit he wore to a wedding. I could find in my closet the perfect cocktail dress to wear for that not quite cool, not yet warm spring season on a cruise ship for a Sunday brunch with the Pope and the Sultan of Brunei.

I am a planner, goal oriented with to do lists in my PDA, cellphone, computer (both desktop and laptop), and in my dayplanner. Brian has ADD, to focus on one thing takes all his energy - he has his things to do lists to, but if mine is to be able to cross things off so I don't forget anything, his is to be able to focus on the next task. He is spontaneous, he can quit his job and in two weeks have us move to a different city, find a new house, new friends and settle down. (This actually happened, don't ask me, I still have nightmares).

He is so outgoing, he used to be a lead singer of several punk bands growing up. He has an amazing voice, a wonderful personality and just the coolest guy to hang around with. I am more introverted, I enjoy the company of friends and people, but in a setting that I am comfortable with, not anywhere. I could be at ease with people but also be completely enthralled by a bookshop - I could spend hours there and not notice it. I was never one for the limelight, while he was most at home with it.

His favorite thing to read is a comic book - he is a geek and a techie. Video games are his passion. He can discuss animation (both keyframe and motion capture), as well as hardware and software issues that can potentially cause the blue screen of death. I love books, the thicker the better, the more archaic the words, the better. I am a nerd to his geekdome. My passion is writing, sometimes drawing. Discussions on politics, economics and history intrigue and capture me.

And yet, we have shared our passions with each other, and while we could lose the other in our discussions, we have learned to grow into it. We have learned to work together on the planning and spontaneity side of our family life, we have learned to work together on our personalities.

He is my breath of fresh air as he introduces me to all things casual, rugged and natural. I am his guide in the world of grown ups and society and the world. We bring out the best in each other and find strength in our own weaknesses. While separately we can survive, life is just so much better together - and it just makes sense that way.

The things that initially bound us, our shared sarcasm (the only true brand of humor), the long conversations, and constant desire to discover something new, keeps our relationship grounded, but it is our differences that make us grow in our relationship.

Yesterday he said, don't let the small things get to you - the bottomline is, we're already married. I am in this for the long run, this wedding is just another way to show you I love you...(a slight pause) and for me to get a bit of diving along the way.

My husband, my equal partner in life. And a constant irritant to my good stories. Gotta love him.

Countdown...

2005-02-27T22:22:00.000-08:00

I've been so delinquent, I was supposed to be regularly blogging instead, an entire month had gone by before I was able to write anything again. Although I know that there isn't really a captured audience with my writing, I still feel bad that I haven't been as active as I wanted to be in the start of the year.

Well, with the travel date finally getting closer, I've done a lot more for the wedding - finally. For a few weeks, I had to stop working on it for awhile because work, business and taxes got in the way - I had to make sure all that was taken care of before I could work on the wedding. Add those to the day-to-day routine of a family with 2 toddlers and you would know that it wasn't easy juggling my time and energy.

Finally though, I crossed off more things off my list of things to do. It's gotten so bad I've had to type (yes, type...I am OC after all) up 2 different things to do lists. One for the general list and another containing ALL of the things I need to do before I left for Manila. So far, I've been able to cut it down progressively, but not substantially enough for my stress level to go down. But like my husband says, I am working it down and if I don't get the small details taken care of, it doesn't really matter - as long as we have a venue to get married, eat and have friends and family to share the occasion with, nothing else matters.

He is so great at getting me to calm down. I am forever grateful to have such an amazing man at my side.

My engagement story

2005-02-25T21:05:00.000-08:00

I have been reading a lot of engagement stories recently and decided to write ours. Unlike some folks, I didn't know we were getting engaged and marriage...well, it wasn't even something we really discussed.

Brian and I had been going out for 3 years already and were very comfortable with our arrangements. He had been having problems with the company he was in though, and the fact that Manila, well, for as much as it had been good to him, he was missing home. He was thinking about leaving the company, which also meant he probably would be going back to the US. It was about November 1998 then and we started talking about what would happen to us.

I had a Team Building outing with folks at the Australian Embassy and left for 3 days. During that time, I took the time to really think about what we were going to do. Neither of us had talked about marriage and we were really focused on in our careers. I thought the best thing for both of us was to try to work out a long distance relationship first and see how that goes. If after living apart we realized we loved each other too much, we can see what we can do; if not, then I suppose, the break up would be simpler (painful, but simpler).

When I got back, I told him what I thought and he agreed. The next week, he left for his Christmas holiday - he usually spends it with his family in Utah. That trip, he was going to visit his old friends on the way home, his best friend in Texas, a good friend in San Francisco and another close friend in Colorado. I was going to meet his family for the first time the day after Christmas so it was going to be our first holiday with each other as well.

He called regularly and if I wasn't at work, he would leave a looooong message on my voice mail, which made me smile when I heard it. One time, we were chatting and he said, his mom wanted to give me a Mormon ring as a Christmas gift. Being a devout Catholic and very active in the church, I was hesitant, until he told me it doesn't really signify being a member of the church of Mormons but just a nice ring. He needed my ring size, then asked if I preferred it in silver, gold or white gold. I told him several times his mom didn't need to do it, but he said she wanted to do it for me.

Anyway, I forgot about that whole exchange days later when in between work, Christmas shopping and family reunions I had to pack and go to Utah. After 23 hours of travel, I was finally in Salt Lake City, I took my carry-all and wheeled it out the plane. I stepped out to find Brian and his dad there - for some reason his Dad was filming my arrival. I thought it odd but smiled anyway.

The next conversation went this way:
Brian: How was the flight?
Jetlagged me: Loong, I'm so tired..I barely understand you.
Brian: Well, can you understand if I ask you a question?
Me: Sure (already preparing to answer the question which I was sure was the, 'how much luggage did you bring?' question).
Brian: (pulling out a small box from his shirt pocket) Blosh grish na whoo?
Me: (looking at him strangely and then looking at the box in his hand) What?

Then I realized what was in his hand, it was a gorgeous diamond ring, the setting was beautiful, it was perfect! If I had to choose a ring, I would've chosen that ring. I realized then, what he was asking...I hugged him tight and we hugged for a long time. We didn't stop until his dad asked, "Brian, was that a yes?"

Brian looked at me and asked me if it was and I said yes.

It wasn't planned, wasn't talked about, wasn't even what we agreed to do, but deep inside, we knew we were meant to do it. We planned a year's engagement and got married on March 18, 2000 in LA.

Now, 5 years later, we're set to do it all over again...this time in church and in front of family and friends in Manila.

A regular day

2005-01-24T22:56:00.000-08:00

Today, after weeks of working either on the wedding or the business, became a day of routine and normalcy. (Thank God, I can't help but utter.) I went to work, dropped the kids off at daycare - worked on TONS of paperwork and trading, not to mention reports and summary of accounts, then went home to cook dinner (shrimp scampi and garlic rice), put the kids to bed and then do our taxes...

Well, I was supposed to do our taxes but I got involved in a chat room with w@wies and n@wies...it was fun, they were funny and it got my mind off the wedding and just spent the evening chatting. I had to rest but now as i'm writing, it reminds me that after the wedding, it will be weeks of regular days again. Much like the last 4 years have been...and while I look forward to that right now, I know I will get bored (again).

I am glad that through this course of preparations though, I've met really cool, interesting and funny people. I'm glad for this regular day - I didn't get to do a bit of wedding stuff...but I thoroughly enjoyed today.

Bump on the road

2005-01-11T23:53:00.000-08:00

I hit my first (and hopefully my last) bump on the road with the church yesterday. It's a long story but here it is in a nutshell...

When I first got married in LA, we were married by a Catholic priest in a studio where my husband worked. We did that to be able to webcast our wedding to the Philippines as well. We were reassured by the priest that he had done several Filipino weddings and was very familiar with our customs and traditions. He also said there was no problem if we weren't getting married in a church, he can still officiate. And so we took his services and we married in March 18, 2000.

Fast forward to June 2004 and I contacted our parish here in San Diego to confirm our wedding's validity. The archdiocese in Quezon City was asking whether or not our wedding was a sacramental marriage. I faxed our marriage contract and marriage certificate to the parish and the Archdiocese of San Diego came back with: Our marriage was not validly recognized by the Roman Catholic Church because we were married by an Orthodox Catholic priest whose church was not recognized by the Roman Catholic church. (What?!?!) As such, we are only civilly married.

We now have to go through all the paperwork and requirements sent by the parish in Manila (affidavits of non impediment to marry signed by our parents, friends and ourselves witnessed by our parish priests, application for mixed marriage (foreigner and Filipino), application for catholic and non-catholic marriage, permission to marry in church, etc. plus seminars). We approached Monsignor Duncanson from our parish for help and he offered to conduct all the preparations in the parish and he would send all the paperwork, certificates and interviews to Manila.

The next road block was the fact that we could not work on it until 6 months before the wedding, so from June I had to wait until September before I could work on anything for the church. When September came, I scheduled a time to meet Father Duncanson and we arranged for an interview.

During the interview, it came out that we had intended from the very start to be married in church, that our understanding was our marriage was recognized by the Roman Catholic church and that we had no impediments to getting married and married on our own free will. He said, we didn't need to do a convalidation (civilly married requesting to marry in church to have our marriage blessed), what we needed to do was to petition for a decree of radical sanation (healing of the root - to validate our marriage from the date of our wedding).

He consulted with a priest well versed in canon law, and proceeded to submit a petition to the Archdiocese of San Diego's Marriage Tribunal. In December, I submitted the certificate of marriage, our marriage license and my baptismal certificate and on the first week of January, he called me to say that he received a copy of our decree and we have been granted our petition!!! I was so happy.

I faxed the certificate, the letter from our parish explaining the decree and a copy of our marriage certificate as well as a copy of our marriage license/contract to the Archdiocese in Quezon City. When I got a call from my mom telling me I needed to call them back, I got worried. They had a lot of questions about the paperwork I submitted and after I explained everything, they said - I couldn't get married again because I was married already AND I can't renew my vows because I've only been married for 5 years. (What?!?!)

She said she would have to show the paperwork to a priest, but there wasn't one available that day, she will get back to me today. She asked me to email her a letter requesting for permission to have a renewal of vows. I did and then sulked all night.

Today, I got a call from my mom saying it has been approved and I should wait for an email. I got it and it said, good news, the priest has approved the renewal of vows. Now, all I need to do is submit all the certified copies of all the papers I sent them and it will be done.

Now, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that this is all the hassles I will be getting about the ceremony during the wedding.

P.S. Throughout all this, my sisters in w@wie group has just been so great with their support and encouragement. They are so great!

My second dream dress?

2005-01-09T23:18:00.000-08:00

When I started searching for my wedding gown, I had absolutely no idea what to look for. I already had the dress of my dreams in my first wedding gown, and there really was no such thing as a second dream dress, right? Well, during a search through brida magazines, I found it - the perfect dress to wear in my wedding. I loved its simplicity and elegance. I loved the ruffles in the back that flowed down to the floor, I wasn't so sure about the front though and not completely convinced about how the front would look. I sent the picture to Michi and she did her magic, she made the design and it was perfect. Here is the inspiration piece...

Where everything is at...

2005-01-08T19:33:00.000-08:00

When we first decided on renewing our vows, I had very few concrete ideas. Where I was marrying, the designer for my gown, and my hair and make up. Beyond that, I had nothing. No ideas, concepts or even a where I would find it. I was working on the plans from the US and it was difficult. That was in May, 2004. Today, it's a lot better:

Michi Calica-Sotto - designer

She had made my first wedding gown and it was absolutely gorgeous. It was a white gown with black beadwork and swarovski crystals. The veil was a mantilla with the same black beadwork and crystals. Everyone loved it and so did I. I didn't think twice in getting her again. This time we decided on a more simple cut, flowing but elegant gown. I was insistent on no white this time though, and she agreed. She's doing the gowns for my mom, sister and daughter and my son's barong.

Fernwood Garden - reception and church

Although I initially wanted to have our wedding in Caleruega - logistically it would've been a nightmare. So I went for the next best thing - a rain forest atmosphere in the midst of the city. They had a beautiful chapel and several areas for a garden reception. We booked it in June.

Via Mare - caterer

Of the accredited caterers of Fernwood, Via Mare was the one that stood out for me because of our experience with them. Our family had used their services before, their food has been outstanding and they had a lot of credibility due to how long they've been in business. They were easy to talk to about the menu, cost and inclusions - so far, so good.

1816 Flowers - Florist

In our first wedding, I was going to use Robert Blancaflor and Clive de los Santos of 1816 Flowers. I envisioned a black and burgundy theme and Clive jumped at the idea - he said he was getting tired of the usual wedding themes. When we decided to marry again, they weren't my first choice because of costs but ended up with them anyway because they're the only ones I truly trust. Robert met with my mom and he remembered me from 5 years ago! He gave ideas, visions and had the whole picture in his head of the moroccan theme I wanted. Done and done.

Eddie Boy Escudero - Photographer

We met Eddie Boy when we first planned our first wedding and loved how his pictures captured the emotions of his weddings. He didn't have an album or stuff like that but we were convinced by his pictures that it didn't matter. When we chose the photographers this time, he was my first choice. He was available, he was so open to ideas and we booked him.

Claycakes - Wedding cake

The cake was a hard choice because I didn't really have any ideas except maybe do a gourmet cake with several mini cakes for guests to bring home. Or maybe a cupcake tree instead. When I saw Karla Magbanua's cakes though, and when my sister met with her, it was clinched. She designed the cake, the concept and even the original cake toppers for our cake. We signed with her, I approved the design and chose the flavors - which was GREAT! I love her cakes.

Emphasis Salon - Hair and Make up

This was a no brainer - I've been going to Teng Roma for my hair for YEARS. It was only fitting that I was going to use his beautiful salon for my wedding. They gave me a wonderful package plus a special gift for being a loyal client and we were done. He planned my hair style 4 months before and gave me a haircut to prepare my hair for his vision. That was his style. The best hairstylist there is. Plus the fact that his salon has a spa, the best threader (Mae) and make up artist, it was an easy decision.

Fiorgelato - Gelato

I wanted an ice cream bar for the wedding and when I found out about Fiorgelato was branching into the wedding services - it was perfect. Brian loves gelato. We visited them at their location and they served us gelato and their sherbet - orange, mango and buko pandan. It was great. They had a presentation to it as well which made it even better. And Rickie was just so accomodating, it was easy to make that choice.

Exclusively His - Brian's barong

Maan is a good friend of ours and her family owns Exclusively His. I've seen their work in a bridal fair I had gone to and was actually interested in it except Brian wasn't interested in wearing one. But when he found out that Ian would be wearing one, he decided to do it too. I texted Maan, got a reply and my mom is meeting with her for designs and embroideries.

Celebrations Event Specialist, Nenita Zabala - Wedding Coordinator

We were going to get Jody Liwanag who was a highly rated wedding coordinator in weddings at work. A lot of brides had used her services and had rave reports about her. Unfortunately, she was going to give birth in March and wouldn't be available, we did the next best thing, ask Jody who she would refer who could do what she did and she trusted to do a great job. She referred us to Nenita. My mom met with her, liked her and wanted me to meet with her when I came to Manila. I did and she seemed really on top of it and will be able to take care of our day. She was very organized, which I liked, and was going to be available to us for any questions, etc. We paid half and was done.

QP Designs - Invitations

Tried and tested, always good quality invitations AND gave us a great discount on the perfect invitation. We've checked the proofs and ordered 200 invitations.

String Minstrels - Musicians

They sound great, reviews on their performances have been above par and they're open to suggestions and songs. We're still in the middle of talks but I think it's been decided.

Edsa Shangri-la Hotel

Our regular hotel stay when we're in Manila. The grounds are surprisingly private inspite it being in the middle of busy Pasig city. Service and quality is always excellent. It's great - it also helps to have a friend to help me with the rates and room selection. The bridal car will also be coming from the hotel. Two birds with one stone, in a wedding is always a plus.

So far, so good...all that's left are the details.

Group of friends

2005-01-04T22:27:00.000-08:00

I belong to an e-group called W@wies. It's a yahoo group for brides-to-be and grooms-to-be to find help and support from other couples preparing for their wedding. Initially, I didn't really think I would be too involved in it, but once you're in it, you develop a sense of kinship and friendship with them. You all share in the experience since you're all going through the same thing. And if there's anyone out there who thinks that preparing for a wedding is simple, will be in for a nice surprise.

I've met people online who answer questions, give support, help resolve unresolvable problems...and most haven't even met each other - all to help each one to reach the ultimate goal - a perfect wedding (at the perfect cost).

They're great...especially for brides like me who live overseas and need to coordinate the wedding from afar. I get to hear actual feedback about suppliers, hear about new and upcoming suppliers who is unexpensive but with great quality. It's been so helpful and they've really helped control my obsessive compulsive nature. I've learned a lot about letting go and if that doesn't work - sometimes it even helps when I see that other folks are having a much more difficult time about some things than I am (if anyone from the group reads this - sorry. we all have our problems, i suppose.) because that puts things in perspective for me.

So, if anyone out there reads this and is getting married in the Philippines...be sure to check them out: weddings@work.com You won't be sorry. :)

New Year

2005-01-02T01:26:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I last wrote here and realized that in these last 3 months prior to my wedding, I had better start writing more. There is a lot to be said about preparations, conflicts, doubts (a different kind) and just general feelings about the wedding. So as one of my resolutions (no. 54) I decided to be more faithful to this blog.

Happy New Year, I have about 78 more days before our vows.

Family

2004-12-29T23:44:00.000-08:00

It's been such great help to have family around in Manila to help with the wedding. From conversations through email and chat with folks preparing for their own wedding from abroad, the trouble and hassle of trying to coordinate things without someone really reliable is very frustrating. I can only imagine.

While it does get frustrating when I don't hear from my mom and sister after a meeting or get feedback when I send an email, I know I can count on hearing from them soon. At the very least I would get a text message telling me they'll be calling or they sent me email. I call if I have a question, problem or issue about something and they can take care of it for me - which is great. There is still the feeling of helplessness though especially when meetings are being held between them and important suppliers and you're not there - but then I trust their judgements on most of the things and know that they know me enough to say no to something I wouldn't want.

I am grateful for them, and really want them to know that. So, thanks guys. :)

Inspiration piece

2004-10-17T23:22:00.000-07:00

Having done the dream wedding that I wanted, as far as colors, theme and entourage goes, it was a little bit more difficult to set my mind on what to do for the next one.

My first wedding was held in a studio in LA where we had the wedding webcast for friends and family in Manila to watch. Our plans had changed (several times) and we weren't going to have special friends and family with us at the wedding. The webcast was a compromise we decided to do, and it did great.

This time though, we're getting married in Church, in Manila, in front of close friends and family. My mom will be able to invite people she wanted to invite and have the kind of wedding she envisioned my wedding to be, I get to celebrate our fifth year anniversary with people I had always imagined to be in my wedding, AND my husband will be able to go diving after the wedding. :)

Still, thinking about the theme and motif for the wedding took a lot of time and effort. I had no idea what I wanted to do...until I saw a picture of a reception in a wedding magazine. It was a wedding picture I had seen 4 1/2 years ago while searching through wedding magazines and I had thought the concept was cool - but I already had my idea. Now, this was the perfect next choice. I love it because of the colors and the atmosphere it presented. Now, if I could only make it work.

Starting out....

2004-10-14T15:19:00.000-07:00

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I've been in the process of preparing our renewal of vows next year and thought that it was all going to be a simple thing. I've done it before, I'm sure I can do it again.

I've forgotten how much work and effort planning for a wedding required. Add to that the fact that I'm in the US and we're planning the wedding in Manila. Oh joy. So, here I am, wife, mother of two and full time paraplanner and planning for a wedding in the wedding capital of the world. :)

Talk about busy...