A revelation

I was home from work because of a migraine - I wasn't happy about that because I had a TON of things to catch up on. But with my eyes barely able to withstand normal sunlight coming into our bedroom, I realized that I would be completely useless at the office.

After medication, 2 hours and a nap later - I was on my laptop working on the business. Catching up on stuff that I had left behind because it was pushed to the bottom of my things to do list. Halfway there, I decided I needed a break and went outside with a pack of cigarettes, my last few as I was given a deadline to which to stop completely, I sat in the patio, breathed in the toxic fumes, opened my notebook of TTD (things to do) and started writing. At a break, I looked up and stopped.

The sky was absolutely cloudless - I had to stop and think, was this the view from here I've always had? The trees behind our house were trimmed and I think it may have opened our view - but I've never seen it so beautiful. It was quiet - it always is, our neighborhood is a great one. But today I realized, it was peaceful - almost serene. I looked around and tried to think, what was it that I'm missing. Then it hit me - I'm alone. No "necessary" appointments, no need-to-do-it-now task, no i-want-it-now-mommy calls...I was alone and it was a peaceful, beautiful day.

Sometimes it hits you in its simplicity how much beauty there is in the world. Even in our dirty backyard full of unraked leaves, dusty patio set and our kids toys scattered about - it's just beautiful. I found myself humming an old Christian song without realizing it.

There was a time in my life when I wanted this - exactly where I was - not in dire need, not feeling desperate, no sadness, no lurking problems at the back of my head that I'm trying to forget or ignore...just being. And here it was. And what do I do - fill my time and spend all my energy creating exactly that sense of havoc and chaos. Why? Maybe because that's what I'm used to - looking around though, I find that I am content. I am fine. This is what I've worked for. To be exactly where I am. I flicked the forgetten cigarette into a make-shift ashtray and leaned back. Holy crap, I'm happy. So, this is what this feels like.