A Pet Peeve..
Allow me a moment to fan the embers of a potential discussion and ruffle a few feathers as I do my bit and stand on my soapbox.
Call it stroking my feminist fires, but one of the things I really hate hearing is the statement; "I trust my husband/boyfriend, I just don't trust girl/the other party". I have two reasons: 1) I believe women have a hard enough time in this world to try to compete in a patriarchal society, succeed in their careers against men, succeed in their personal lives and live up to society's stamp of approval without having to have other women be an obstacle to that success.
I mean, obviously the speaker of the statement would have to be a woman, and basically what she's saying is, I can't trust other women around my man because they're the "evil one" in any solid, committed relationship. COME ON!!!
I love my girl friends, the few and the close ones that I have. I love the sisterhood I share with them and with a few others from a community I used to belong to. I love the openness and the unselfish love and concern we have for each other. Maybe that's why I loved Sex in the City, not so much for their intriguing topics, but for the companionship and loyalty they exhibited with each other - throughout their lives regardless of what they did or chose not to do.
To have anyone say that the reason their great relationship fell is because a girl got in between them, has put blame on one person and it was with a "sister". It takes two to tango, it takes two to cheat.
The second reason: YOU DO NOT TRUST YOUR PARTNER!!! Short of saying, I can only trust him with a nun, you don't trust him. Because if you do, no Delilah, no Bethsheba or Cleopatra would be able to get him...because he would have told you about her, he would have introduced you to her AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, he would have told her about you and how important you are and how she will never have him because he had you.
Oh, I've heard it all - there are women out there who would go after a man even if they knew he had a wife, a girlfriend, a person he is courting (he's not married yet). Well, there are men out there who's sole goal in life is to only be with the unattainable and women who are already committed, does that mean the woman is not to blame if and when she cheats? Sorry, that logic is twisted.
My point? Easy, don't blame one, blame both. If a man or a woman cheats with their partner, it is not ONLY the other person's fault (for going out with a married person) it is also the fault of the weak and spineless married man or woman. Unless they cry rape, they have all the faculties, all the will and the maturity to either say no, stay away OR make a way to avoid such situations.
PLEASE, do not say that it is a woman's fault that your boyfriend/husband cheated on
you. Your weak, spineless, sorry excuse for a man cheated on you with another woman. The other woman is definitely not absolved nor should she be spared from any of your anger and spite - she deserves it! But please, let's not demonize the woman and make your man a saint in this.
Oh, and while in the topic, some men have made the phrase, "I'm weak." as a means to excuse infidelities, whether real or imagined. And some of us may have decided, well, they're men - that's really their weak spot. No....no, no!!! A thousand times no! They're human - they're not animals, their penises do not dictate what they should do OR ELSE they would be peeing around their offices to signify their territory, heck they would pee on YOU to show people you're their territory.
It's an excuse! Please see it for what it is. An excuse they give so that if you do catch them in an infidelity, they can easily say, "well, remember I told you about that?" Unless they're psychologically ill - meaning, they have been medically branded as a sexual psychopath and a rabid liar and psychologically incapable of being faithful, they are ABLE to control themselves and their libido!
Men count on our ability to understand them, our need to mother them, our desire to have them stay with us, that they are able to use this excuse. IF they respect you and love you truly and honestly, and want you to be their wife and partner for life, they will not disrespect you and devalue your relationship by having random sex. And if they do, we should have enough self-love, self-respect and self-esteem to realize, we're worth more than that.
Why am I able to say this? It would be hypocritical of me to say all this without saying that I used to think this way. Heck, my history practically supported this theory. Until I met a man who loved me and respected me completely. He made me realize that men can be faithful, men can be relied on and trusted AND most importantly, that they CAN control themselves. He still recognizes beauty on the street and admires them, he can still find other women interesting, but he only wants to be and desires to be with his wife. Heaven love him, because I do.
Call it stroking my feminist fires, but one of the things I really hate hearing is the statement; "I trust my husband/boyfriend, I just don't trust girl/the other party". I have two reasons: 1) I believe women have a hard enough time in this world to try to compete in a patriarchal society, succeed in their careers against men, succeed in their personal lives and live up to society's stamp of approval without having to have other women be an obstacle to that success.
I mean, obviously the speaker of the statement would have to be a woman, and basically what she's saying is, I can't trust other women around my man because they're the "evil one" in any solid, committed relationship. COME ON!!!
I love my girl friends, the few and the close ones that I have. I love the sisterhood I share with them and with a few others from a community I used to belong to. I love the openness and the unselfish love and concern we have for each other. Maybe that's why I loved Sex in the City, not so much for their intriguing topics, but for the companionship and loyalty they exhibited with each other - throughout their lives regardless of what they did or chose not to do.
To have anyone say that the reason their great relationship fell is because a girl got in between them, has put blame on one person and it was with a "sister". It takes two to tango, it takes two to cheat.
The second reason: YOU DO NOT TRUST YOUR PARTNER!!! Short of saying, I can only trust him with a nun, you don't trust him. Because if you do, no Delilah, no Bethsheba or Cleopatra would be able to get him...because he would have told you about her, he would have introduced you to her AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, he would have told her about you and how important you are and how she will never have him because he had you.
Oh, I've heard it all - there are women out there who would go after a man even if they knew he had a wife, a girlfriend, a person he is courting (he's not married yet). Well, there are men out there who's sole goal in life is to only be with the unattainable and women who are already committed, does that mean the woman is not to blame if and when she cheats? Sorry, that logic is twisted.
My point? Easy, don't blame one, blame both. If a man or a woman cheats with their partner, it is not ONLY the other person's fault (for going out with a married person) it is also the fault of the weak and spineless married man or woman. Unless they cry rape, they have all the faculties, all the will and the maturity to either say no, stay away OR make a way to avoid such situations.
PLEASE, do not say that it is a woman's fault that your boyfriend/husband cheated on
you. Your weak, spineless, sorry excuse for a man cheated on you with another woman. The other woman is definitely not absolved nor should she be spared from any of your anger and spite - she deserves it! But please, let's not demonize the woman and make your man a saint in this.
Oh, and while in the topic, some men have made the phrase, "I'm weak." as a means to excuse infidelities, whether real or imagined. And some of us may have decided, well, they're men - that's really their weak spot. No....no, no!!! A thousand times no! They're human - they're not animals, their penises do not dictate what they should do OR ELSE they would be peeing around their offices to signify their territory, heck they would pee on YOU to show people you're their territory.
It's an excuse! Please see it for what it is. An excuse they give so that if you do catch them in an infidelity, they can easily say, "well, remember I told you about that?" Unless they're psychologically ill - meaning, they have been medically branded as a sexual psychopath and a rabid liar and psychologically incapable of being faithful, they are ABLE to control themselves and their libido!
Men count on our ability to understand them, our need to mother them, our desire to have them stay with us, that they are able to use this excuse. IF they respect you and love you truly and honestly, and want you to be their wife and partner for life, they will not disrespect you and devalue your relationship by having random sex. And if they do, we should have enough self-love, self-respect and self-esteem to realize, we're worth more than that.
Why am I able to say this? It would be hypocritical of me to say all this without saying that I used to think this way. Heck, my history practically supported this theory. Until I met a man who loved me and respected me completely. He made me realize that men can be faithful, men can be relied on and trusted AND most importantly, that they CAN control themselves. He still recognizes beauty on the street and admires them, he can still find other women interesting, but he only wants to be and desires to be with his wife. Heaven love him, because I do.
posted by Marla | 2:24 PM
9 Comments:
weirdly enough...i've never underestimated a woman's capacity to ruin a relationship... but i've also never underestimated men to be jerks...
i share this pet peeve w/ you... in my main blog, i even posted about how a friend, who was being thoroughly maltreated by her boyfriend... chose to make me an enemy rather than believe me when i made the suggestion that she's being made a bigger fool by her bf...
and i hate it when women go on the warpath after the 3rd party...who may not even know she exists...
me... i'd Lorena Bobbit the man :D he knows he was supposedly with me, after all...
bwahahahahahaha
weirdly enough...i've never underestimated a woman's capacity to ruin a relationship... but i've also never underestimated A MAN'S ABILITY TO BE A JERK (i meant... sablay the sentence)
Bravo!! Cheers to you Marla for giving voice to an issue which I think is an irritation to some of us. Oh and by the way, hopefully, you'll be able to make it to the prayer meeting later on for the souls of these women who tries to tempt our men. It'll be held right after the prayer meeting for our husbands that they not be tempted when they see a female form.
Hey girls, so happy to hear that I'm not the only one in this. It is soooo annoying to me, you won't believe. It's almost as if the guy has no brain at all and "couldn't help himself". PLEASE! Oh, and Marj, yes, I will be at the prayer meeting - in fact, I have been ask to lead in prayer. Hahahaha
Amen. Thank you sister Marla for leading us. hehehe
Sisters :D
hi, marla! i remember saying that once before. haha! but you definitely have a point. i realized that it's not really trusting and blaming who... they are both at it... so 2 people are at fault. thanks for sharing your thoughts.
i totally agree marla. period!
agree din ako :D i've had my share of misunderstandings with some girlfriends because i preached too much, hehehe. i believe that love is not blind, and neither should it cause us to lose our self-worth. as for the men... most of them really need a great paradigm shift, that they, though naturally polygamous, were also given free will to exercise fidelity. (see my entry here). and if they can't control their primal urges, they're no better than baser animals. :D
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