Spirit of Gratefulness

The past 2 years have been a true journey of realization and discovery. It's far too complicated and convoluted to have to explain all that had happened, suffice it to say that I've seen the dark side of myself and decided it was time to face it - and it wasn't pretty.

I've focused so much on myself and this journey for the past 2 years and dedicated that time to be able to face the demons that this moment of clarity is almost breathtaking. I look around and am amazed at how much I've missed, how blind I was and how unhappy I was. It took a long time and I am still getting help, but I know who I am now and what makes me ... well, me. Well, better than I did a couple of years ago for sure.

Today I decided to stop trying to cross off everything on my to do list, stop trying to get ahead on tomorrow's stuff, stop worrying about the schedule for tomorrow and just pause. I realized I haven't stopped in a long time and just be grateful for what was around me, the people around me and count my blessings.

I am grateful for my husband, his capacity to love, understand and be patient with me. We are so different and it amazes me how well we fit. We both value our individuality and we embrace each other's strengths, we are able to support each others weaknesses and learn from each other everyday. It helps that his industry is so creative and right brained, while mine is very practical and left brained. We're able to balance each other, a huge task but something we both want to make work.

I am grateful for my two beautiful, smart, amazing children. They are my joy and pride, the reason for my insanity and sanity, the meaning of my life and one of my contributions to the world. I am humbled and silenced by them, and they make me laugh. They are silly, goofy, crazy, irritating, stress-inducing, lovable, kissable - everything...my world would definitely be less without them.

My mornings are filled with hugs and kisses from Moira and Ian. My favorite time is in the morning when Brian is in the shower and I have both kids next to me, one under each of my arm. They snuggle, cuddle, kiss and hug as they watch Little Einstein and Jojo's Circus. It's what I need to get motivated in the morning, being such a night owl.

I am grateful for the career I have, because it fits me and I enjoy its challenges. I enjoy its practicality, the ability I have to be able to help others and it satisfies the need in me to keep on learning. I am also grateful for my boss, the senior financial advisor I work with - I couldn't ask for anyone more flexible, understanding, challenging, and demanding. I am grateful that he respects me and my abilities and that he values my time and effort. He appreciates what I do for his practice and is generous in showing his appreciation. I have heard there aren't a lot of people like him.

I am grateful that I have close friends and family who love me and know me well. Whom I can love and share my innermost feelings and fears and be accepted still. I am grateful for the heartache and pain because it taught me that I am stronger than I thought, capable of withstanding more things than I thought I would be able to. I am grateful for people who remained by my side in my darkest times and believed in me. Grateful for their faith in the person that I am. Grateful that I have found true friendships.

I am grateful because God has given to an undeserving soul a peace that is beyond comprehension, a silence that comes not from hurt but from serenity, and a comfort that can only come from someone who loves unconditionally. I am rocked by the fact that throughout everything, the Lord continues to be faithful and merciful and loving. Truly, there is no greater love than this, that one would give His life for a friend. And it is in this gratitude that I can find strength to turn out and look outwards again, and face the world with the authetic self that I have been borne out of love with and seek to share with others the blessings that allow me to be forever grateful.

I'm back...I think

I looked at the date of my last posting and couldn't believe that a whole month had gone by since I last posted anything here. Where did the month go? Oh yeah, stuck in a blizzard called life. Work was going through a huge transition, my role in the office changed and drastically demanded more of my time. Our business has also taken off and we're doing more work that required more of my attention and with tons of details that I need to keep track of. My kids are getting older and demands more of my time and energy.

My husband and I are such workaholics we drive ourselves to the ground regularly, this past month, I was doing more than I should - another trait I've been trying to control. He works so hard until he doesn't have any energy or motivation left to want to go to the office OR until he gets too sick to go to the office. I work so hard and so focused that I end up getting insomnia from thinking too much and losing so much weight with all the energy I spend without the food intake to compensate for it - all in all, it ends with me dying to get time off but refusing to take it until it's forced by others around me - my boss, my husband, my family...

I missed writing though, not the business correspondence or the reports or the analyses for work. Writing creatively, for no other reason than to allow my brain to express whatever it has inside - to release creative juices that have been quieted by the left side of my brain in its ever moving quest for logic and rational reasoning.

I miss talking about nonsense with my friends, about anything and everything that has gone one around the world - serious or humorous, silly or tragic - anything. These days the only thing I've had time to do is ask how they've been and move on.

But there is more to life than this, I know. But this is where I excel. Where I can put my energy and mind into something that would result in very good work - to an outstanding performance. That's not me blowing my own horn, just my past experience, I know if I put my heart and soul into something and work hard, it's going to work. This works in the workplace more than in real life but that's another story all together, and one I'm not in any position to say anything about. I'm still learning.

But I missed posting in my blog, and so many of my new online friends have dropped by and I really appreciate your words and kind wishes. It's so nice to have you around. I hope to be able to post more regularly and share whatever tidbit that I have to share....hope you don't mind. :)

My list of things to do is over 4 pages long, in excel, in landscape. That's for work, business, home (we're looking to sell our home soon), family (dance classes, kindergarten school searches, bi-annual physical examinations for everyone, dental appointments, holiday plans, scheduling holiday pictures, it's endless!!!), travel plans.

It's still so crazy, my brain is screaming at me to work on the stuff I brought home from work instead of this posting - but I feel the need to throw everything out before I go back to my work mode. So here it is:

I am happy and content,
tired and exhausted,
searching and finding,
needing and needed,
stressed and pressured,
motivated and eager.
I find that I am where I wanted to be,
and it's not how I expected it to be.

Me, signing out for now - hopefully only temporarily.